…from a man who must conquer this & this before he can conquer this. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, as a prelude to a college footballavaganza footballpalooza football-a-rama that has been alternately called Nirvana, The Footballpocalypse, and the stupefyingly lame Separation Saturday, yours truly has decided to ascend 2 of the 54 Colorado peaks that stretch heavenward past 14 thousand feet. Can I possibly summit 2 such pinnacles and make it to a TV in time for the so-simultaneous-your-head-implodes kickoffs of Notre Dame/Michigan, Auburn/LSU, Oklahoma/Oregon? That remains to be seen. What I can tell you (instead of highlighting some off-the-radar games, of which there are none) is what you will have learned by the time you lay head to pillow (or to hooker, gutter, drunk-tank bench, or Governor’s lap, whatever is your wont) on Saturday night.

(Read on for the full run-down)

In ascending order of importance:

(5) West Virginia vs. Maryland – Fear the Turtle! And a rotund man that can, we’re told, think his way out of The Labyrinth, despite David Bowie’s best intentions. Actually, The Mountaineers shouldn’t be quaking at the sight of a Maryland team that’s gone 5-6 the past two seasons, but the Terps should provide WVU with their staunchest competition to date, and until November. How staunch? Maryland has given up 450 yards passing to William & Mary and Middle Tennessee State, getting out-thrown in both contests. Can Pat White toss the old pigskin around? In a word, fuck yes. You’ll learn that, despite the whining masses decrying the Mountaineers schedule, they are, as Hammer and the kids like to say, legit.

(FRIDAY UPDATE: I was right on the winner, dead-wrong on the means- the Mountaineers piled up 340 yards on the ground and 3 rushing TDs, compared to just 48 yards passing. As the short note from The Drunken Book states when I tuned in: 2 min. ileft n 1st quarter, 21-0 WVU – yikes. WV INT, Slaton off to races - YIKES.)

(9) Florida State vs. Clemson – This is all about a program on the brink. But which one? Clemson, about to endure another season of great expectations but razor-close losses that napalm the soul? Or Florida State, about to put the final bricks on the Monument to Mediocrity Sarcophagus of Offense it has so lavishly attended the past half-decade, by dropping the third of the past four Bowden Bowls? The wise man says bet on the team with a living, breathing rushing attack, but you’ll learn that the Noles take my advice, run the no-huddle effectively early and ride The Rocking of The Doak to a statement (of relief) win. This I pray.

(18) Oregon vs. (15) Oklahoma – (Yes, of course I’d rather catch the Hurricanes and Cardinals in this ABC slot, but that’s not the game enjoyed by the Mountain Standard Time Zone…) The Sooners struggled early at home to a Washington team not known for its feistiness. Do that at Autzen Stadium, and they may be buried by halftime. “But it’s Bob Stoops!” you say. Which means that for 3 quarters, it should be interesting enough to warrant the occasional check-in from the other 2 slobberknocking affairs. During those check-ins you will learn that while Adrian Peterson may well be a Heisman candidate, he sure as hell can’t block for himself, nor can he cover horrifically-clad receivers streaking through the OU secondary.

(20) TCU vs. (24) Texas Tech – Finally. A game featuring priests, pirates, and something called the Frog Horn, shown here in its full, inexplicable glory. What more could you want out of an old Southwest Conference rivalry? You’ll learn that Mike Leach, while he enjoys the pirate lore (but not that gay stuff), has finally run out of 5^th-year senior passing-bots to sling the ball from sideline to sideline with deadly, but whimsical, accuracy. And TCU is not to be trifled with. Seriously- do not fucking trifle.

(12) Louiville vs. (17) Miami – The Hurricanes are notorious for bitch-slapping opponents on the road when they fell they’ve been disrespeckded. The Cardinals are notorious for running up the score on Temple. You may hear fantastic tales about how L’ville came thisclose to upsetting the Canes last year, and that was on the road. And now they’re at home. At Papa John Stadium, no less! But you’ll learn that they will actually miss Michael Bush when they face a secondary that lacks human beings playing the safety position, but makes up for it by employing 2 re-usable tomahawk cruise missiles in their stead. (Watch for #1 and #19 in orange- they’re a bit quick)

(4) USC vs. (19) Nebraska – A good idea to trash talk a powerhouse that over the last 4 years has done little but reload, reload, destroy all opponents not QB’d by Vince Young, & reload? Methinks no. Especially with that hefty 7-12 road record the Huskers the past 4 seasons. You’ll learn that, while getting nowhere near the quaint exposure the Trojans received from TWWL last season, USC has instead been quietly planning your complete and utter public dismantling from a secret bunker somewhere beneath Long Beach. Or Snoop Dogg’s house.

Trojans, bitches.

(2) Notre Dame vs. (11) Michigan – The Football Gods have laid upon LLlloyd Carrrr an odious mantle: “He that coacheth the Wolverines shall not winneth at South Bend. Nor shall he winneth a road opener.” That would be bad enough if he weren’t facing IBM SuperComputer Big Blue Charlie Weis and his OMFG IT’S GORGEOUS offense run by OMFG HE’S GORGEOUS Brady Quinn. You’ll learn that, much to the Michigan faithful’s dismay, Mike Hart cannot in fact tote the rock on every offensive down, and that Tom Zbikowski is one mean motherfucker.

(13) Tennessee vs. (7) Florida – (SEC IS THE GREATEST CONFERENCE ANYWHERE, EVER Game 1) I have exorcised the demons! Well not me. Actually it was David Cutcliffe and Urban Meyer chasing Beelzebub out of offenses in Gainesville and Knoxville. With a little Percy Harvin and Tim Mixon’s blown-out knee, added in for good measure. This is a hate-fest, to be sure, but really a barometer game for both teams. Is Tennessee a hell-spawn destroyer of worlds (Cal game) or sheepish back-pedaler in the face strange-looking offensive formations run by slow white fly-boys (Air Force game)? Can Florida’s juggernaut jitterbug O keep pace against a defense that possesses a spinal column? You’ll learn that Chris Leak is a damn good quarterback, and can put this team on his back this season. (Bonus Points for remembering this lesson during the Bama-LSU-Auburn stretch)

(3) Auburn vs. (6) LSU – (SEC IS THE GREATEST CONFERENCE ANYWHERE, EVER Game 2) Only Keith Jackson reading Charles Dickens after drinking enough Johnny Walker Blue to float a battleship can do this game justice. Woe be upon those who doubt the raw power exercised by these two grid-iron mastodons. And good luck picking a winner – Auburn gets the points for being at home. Double-plus-good game result: the home team has won the last 6 monumental mêlées, 5 of those going on to the SEC title game. You’ll learn that the home field matters infinitely more in college ball, and despite an enormous game from Kenny Irons, John Vaughn* will be the War Eagle hero.

 *No relation to Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn.

(Honesty from last week’s Primer: I was a little right about Iowa and Cal, a little wrong about Clemson and Fresno State, and a lot right about the (un)watchability of the Pitt/Cincy fracas, and Georgia’s manhandling of the Cocks.)