…from a man who will spend his Saturday drinking beer, then drinking beer. Sure, I may miss some Ohio State/Iowa, Michigan/Minnesota and Georgia/Ole Miss, but will I really miss it? Remains to be seen. Alcohol induced hallucinations aside, here is what you will have learned by the time you lay head to pillow (or to LoDo stop sign, stripper-thigh, Alabama, or T.O.’s Magical Mystery Allergic Reaction Tour Suite in the Dallas pokey, whichever is your wont) on Saturday night.
(Click More for the full run-down)
 

Chronologically, for Timmy’s sake:

Colorado @ (25)Missouri – Why are you tuning in? (Actually, if any ocean is within 2-states from your present location, you can’t, but imagine if you could…) You want to see if Georgia’s bad, Colorado’s getting better, or if last Saturday was just some cosmic karmic fluke. And then you have Missouri’s 4 victims to date – Murray State, Ole Miss, New Mexico and Ohio – a Murderer’s Row that is a collective 6-10. The Big 12 plays softies? The hell you say! You’ll learn that while the Ewing Theory is in full motherfucking effizzect at Mizzou after the departure of Brad Smith, the Tigers will have a tough time putting down the suddenly confident Buffs.

Purdue @ (12)Notre Dame – They’re good! They’re grrrrreat! They’re terrible! They’re mostly bad and incredibly vulnerable, but wow they can kill a team that’s in utter and total, bowel-rupturing collapse! Ladies and gentlemen, your 2006 Fighting Irish. While everyone fell over themselves to punch ND’s ticket to a BCS bowl game after Saturday night’s comeback, wouldn’t it be more fun if someone on the Irish’s schedule made it interesting? Purdue’s rushing attack is decent- maybe they can be that team. You will learn that Purdue is not that team.

(24)Georgia Tech @ (11)Virginia Tech – It’s a mathlete summit in Blacksburg, y’all! Bud Foster vs. Pat Nix- who ya got? Sure, the Hokies are top-10 in passing and total defense, but this one comes down to how often Reggie Ball throws it into Calvin Johnson’s relative vicinity. After the Lubriderm-sponsored hand-job Johnson got last week from Kirk and Chris, we have to believe he can single-handedly win the game.  What you’ll learn is that VT’s defensive pressure is slightly more QB-crushing than Virginia’s, Troy’s, Samford’s and yes, Notre Dame’s. As the old football adage goes, “One cannot pass to what one cannot see, due to one’s poor field-vision combined with sack-mutilated and rupturing internal organs.

Alabama @ (5)Florida – Mortals! Ready your inadequate souls (and livers) for a thunderous onslaught jort-clad Urban Apostles and the man pictured to the right, who is calling his mom, wondering how to get a nacho cheese stain out of his 1996 National Champions t-shirt. Yes, the Revenge Day cometh for the Gators, and Hell and wishes of ill health cometh with it.  EDSBS has been posting odes to the Great State of Alabama all week, which are not to be missed, and no doubt The Swamp will be a’rockin come kickoff. You’ll learn a QB with 3 names is no match for Brandon Siler and the Gator front 7, and that sandwiches will again be eaten.

(1)Ohio State @ (13)Iowa – It’s The Showcase. And at 7 points, it’s the lowest spread of any of the major match-ups- but doesn’t that seem a bit low, seeing as how their last road trip against a ranked opponent yielded an easy 17-point victory over a team that’s still ranked higher than Iowa? But Colt McCoy isn’t Drew Tate. Yeah, and Iowa isn’t Texas. I’m hoping for a great game, but guessing Iowa City ends up looking a lot like Austin.  You’ll learn Troy Smith saves his best stuff for the biggest games.

Honesty from last week’s Primer: I was right as an FSU Alabama kicker on GT, Clemson, Louisville, Texas, and every word I spoke about the Big 10 match-ups; simply right on Colorado(had them to cover in my pool), the Big 12 in general, and the entire Big East slate; wrong on BC, USF, and Kentucky’s ass-whomping; and bovine-nasal-fucking wrong on, well, nothing- just wanted to throw that phrase out there.