It’s been a rough year for the Pittsburgh Steelers, but an even rougher year for quarterback Ben Roethlisberger’s concussion. The brain trauma, signed in the off-season after a motorcycle accident, had one of its worst games as a professional, throwing four interceptions in a 13-20 loss to the lowly Oakland Raiders. The defending Super Bowl champs are now 2-5, and last place in the AFC North. 

“At the beginning of the season, we said we were going to stick with Ben Roethlisberger’s concussion as our starting quarterback. That is still the case today,” said Steelers coach Bill Cowher. “As long as he’s wearing the black and gold and not causing Ben’s body to uncontrollably vomit, he’s our man.”

Two of the interceptions were particularly costly. In the first quarter, Raiders defensive back Nnamdi Asomugha returned a pick for a 24-yard touchdown. During a fourth quarter drive that could have tied up the game, Roethlisberger’s concussion threw a ball into the hands Chris Carr, who ran the other way for a 99-yard touchdown.

“I didn’t see either of those guys on the two interceptions that were returned for scores,” said Roethlisberger’s concussion, speaking through Ben Roethlisberger. “In fact, I couldn’t see anything. My vision was blocked as a result of a gigantic blood clot on my occipital lobe. I was just making the arm motions–I have no idea what happened.”

After Ben Roethlisberger threw 17 touchdowns versus nine interceptions last year, his concussion has thrown six touchdowns and 11 picks already this year.

“I thought everything would be fine,” said Roethlisberger. “I mean, Steve Young had a Hall of Fame career with concussions. I admire Steve Young a lot. His tenacity, his abilities, his soft, cushiony cerebrospinal fluid. I’m really tired. What’s that copper taste?”

Backup quarterback Charlie Batch, who is throwing with a phenomenal passing rating of 136.8 in the absence of Roethlisberger and Roethlisberger’s concussion, was unavailable for comment because he “couldn’t believe he wasn’t fucking starting at this point.”

The Steelers’ training staff is looking for options on how to improve the performance of Ben Roethlisberger’s concussion, with an emphasis on allowing more blood to flow to the prefrontal cortex, which is partly responsible for motor skills. “The good kind of blood flow,” a trainer said. “Not the gushing blood that is covering his temporal lobe and occassionally drips out of his ears.”

“I’m thinking about giving my head a little more space by playing without a helmet,” said Roethlisberger. “I’ve said this once and I’ll say it again–helmets are for pussies.”

The win was only Oakland’s second, following the season’s first victory against a morally depleted Arizona Cardinals team.

The Raiders were all over Roethlisberger’s concussion all game long.

“We can beat any team out there,” said Raiders wide receiver Randy Moss. “Provided they are emotional train wrecks or are being lead by people who should be in the hospital. We got Seattle next week. With Hasselbeck and Alexander out, it’s looking good. We’re like pedophiles who hang around autistic preschools. Raider Nation, baby!”

In keeping with the trend of feasting on the injured and incompetent, Raiders owner Al Davis has offered to trade quarterback Aaron Brooks to any other team the Raiders play in the future on the condition that Brooks starts.