11.30.06
Steinbrenner wins bid to talk to apartment doorman
NEW YORK–George Steinbrenner, owner of the New York Yankees, has successfully outbid others for the rights to talk to the doorman of his Manhattan apartment complex. The deal comes on the heels of a successful Yankees bid to negotiate with the Japanese pitcher Kei Igawa of Japan’s Hanshin Tigers.
Doorman Ronaldo Theraux, a 46-year-old immigrant from Haiti, accepted Steinbrenner’s offer of $100,000 for the exclusive rights to talk, negotiate, converse, chit-chat, and flap gums with him.
“After we lost our bid for [Daisuke] Matsuzaka to the Red Sox, I knew I had to make some moves,” said Steinbrenner at a press conference. “Igawa was just the first step. With Ronnie also on hand, I feel much better about our chances.”
The Newest New York Yankee |
When asked for comment, Theraux looked over to Steinbrenner, who wagged his finger. The doorman then just shrugged his shoulders.
Steinbrenner is expected to offer Theraux a six-year deal upwards of $500,000 for exclusive speaking rights. Sources close to the deal say that the Red Sox had initially offered a three-year $100,000 to Theraux, who refused. The Chicago Cubs and the Dallas Mavericks were also reportedly interested.
“This is just the beginning,” said Steinbrenner. “I’ve also got my eye on a hot prospect at the deli around the corner, a waitress at a restaurant I frequent, and my children.”
11.29.06
NBA relieved after three-white-guy collision avoided
SACRAMENTO–
In what some considered to be the greatest threat to the NBA’s image since the famed “Malice at the Palace,” three gigantic, lumbering white guys on the court at the same time was narrowly averted during the Los Angeles Clippers at Sacramento Kings contest.
“It’s one of those games you look at on the schedule down the road and think, ‘Uh-oh,’ this could be trouble,” said Clippers guard Sam Cassell, who sat out the game with an injury. “When I saw the possible danger, I decided to give my body another day’s rest. This is a long season, no need to have a bunch of white guys ruin it for me.”
The problem in question stemmed from the possibility of Clippers center Chris Kaman, Kings center Brad Miller, and Clippers rookie center Paul Davis taking the court at the same time.
“You have that much cracker out there, and you don’t know what to expect,” said Kings forward Kenny Thomas. “Perhaps you heard the story about New York playground legend Derrick ‘Lazy Eye’ Johnson. He played a pick-up game on Long Island one time, rolled over some honky’s foot then got an elbow in the face from another white devil. Ended his career. No one wants to see that happen at this level.”
Thankfully, Kaman could not play because of a sprained ankle, ending the threat of a possible ball of flailing elbows, tripping feet, and failed coordination.
“I told coach I could go,” said Kaman. “But he said I need to put my career before one early season game. After thinking about it for a while, I realized he was right. It was just too dangerous.”
“The fans may get a kick out of it, but there’s nothing funny about 21 feet of caucasian clumsiness on the court at the same time,” said Clippers coach Mike Dunleavy. “Being white myself, I know our limitations.”
“Mike [Dunleavy] and I had a pact,” Kings coach Eric Musselman said. “We both wanted to win the game, that’s obvious. But no way were we going to even think about giving any playing time to Zeljko Rebraca or Vitaly Potapenko. Some of these guys have families to feed for God’s sake.”
Miller dismissed the threat, saying his passing abilities more than make up for his honkitude.
“I fought Shaq. And I’m the best passing white center since [Arvydas] Sabonis,” said Miller. “And I hunt in the off-season. Wait, I guess I am white. Gosh darnit!”
The next big test for the Clippers will come on January 13th, when the battle the Cleveland Cavaliers and its frontcourt of Zydrunas Ilgauskus and Scot Pollard.
11.28.06
The Candidacy
Yes, there is muted excitement in Seminole land these days. A defense returning all but 2 starters played their guts out on Saturday, single-handedly dragging the rotten corpse offense back into the game against a hated rival, only to watch that corpse defecate post-mortem all over itself. And now that same corpse is being dragged up the castle steps into the dungeonous laboratory to be reanimated. But who will play Dr. Frankenstein in 2007? We’ll take a look at the pros and cons of the four most talked about names thus far, as well as their respective Lap Dog Quotients. What, you didn’t actually think Bobby will hand over the reins at this point, did you?
Name: Jimbo Fisher
Current Position: OC and QB coach at LSU
Pros: His name is Jimbo. I repeat, Jimbo. Which means he may or may not actually be a shrimping boat captain. And speaking of shrimping, he seems to love the Bowdens like Forrest loved Jenny. He played QB for Terry, even transferring from Salem to Samford his senior season to follow the known philanderer. He then coached under Terry at Samford and along with Tommy at Auburn. And now he’s presided over the most successful span in LSU history, making him my personal favorite for the gig. Like I said, Jimbo!
Cons: He may or may not be a shrimping boat captain.
Lap Dog Quotient: 5 Bones. It may be that the only thing keeping Jimbo from already working underneath a Bowden is Terry’s absence from the sideline. To drag the Gump metaphor into the disgusting, the Bowden clan is on their last, AIDS-riddled legs – do you trust Forrest to raise the kid on his own? 
Name: George Henshaw
Current Position: Senior Offensive Assistant and RB coach at New Orleans
Pros: NFL ties galore. George has spent the last 18 years on the offensive side of the ball in the NFL, from Broncos to the Giants to the Titans to the Saints. Which means not only could he probably assemble quite a staff to join him, but high school kids love love love to hear how coaches are linked to the pros. Crazy kids.
Cons: He looks like a nice, kind-hearted soul. I prefer OCs to look like arrogant neurosurgeons who would enjoy toying with your very life in order to give themselves a challenge. “Doctor, what are you doing with that nail gun? Jesus Christ!!” “Uh-oh, nurse, this just got a whole lot more complicated. Wheee!!!”
Lap Dog Quotient: 4 Bones. Henshaw’s straight off Bobby’s coaching tree, from West Virginia to FSU from 1970 to 1982. The Noles compiled a 21-1 record during his 3 years as OC, which has most fans drooling. Yet he sent his own QB-turned-TE son to FSU during 2001-05, which at the time was known as “Where QBs and TEs Go To Tackle,” so his judgment at this point may be questionable. 
Name: Chris Hatcher
Current Position: Head Coach at Division II Valdosta State
Pros: An “Air Raid” attack that racks up yards, points and wins on the Div. II level like nobody’s business. (The early con here is that its yards, points and wins on the Div. II level) He’s coached up quite a few QBs at the collegiate level: Daunte Culpepper, Tim Couch and Dusty Bonner, which pretty much makes him Jeff Tedford without the nice address and a win against USC. He’s also been kind enough to take QB’s off Bowden’s hands and turn them into competent throwers and DII champions (see: Fabian Walker).
Cons: His resume on the Blazers sports page reads like praise from the Football Gods themselves, and includes the single-best paragraph-starting phrase ever: “Great stuff.” That resume, as well as a “no comment” statement on the FSU opening is a straight link from the front of the football home page, which means he keeps his job-hunting low-key.
Lap Dog Quotient: 8 Bones. He’s young and impressionable. When he and Bobby get done telling tales about what its like coaching at a former all girls college, Hatcher will immediately commence his only ascribed duties: drawing up plays for Drew Weatherford out of the “I” formation. 
Name: Larry Fedora
Current Position: OC and QB coach at Oklahoma State
Pros: His offense can score points (8th in Scoring O) and run the ball (8th in Rushing O). For a team sorely lacking in both departments, that’s good.
Cons: Was the Gator run game/perimeter game/offensive coordinator from 2002-04, giving him a losing record against Jeff Bowden-coached offenses. Not good.
Lap Dog Quotient: 3 Bones. This is a random guess. I can’t figure any direct connection to the Bowden clan, and all reports are that he’s a top recruiter and fast tracked to greatness. But he’s named after a hat, so…
11.21.06
Haunted by eBay, Bowden Resorts to Human Sacrifice
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (AP) – From mentally handicapped quarterbacks, to poorly recruited offensive lines, and on to underwhelming playmakers, a myriad of excuses have been employed to justify the funeral procession that the Florida State offense has become over the last 5 seasons. But head coach Bobby Bowden may have revealed the true gremlin in the gearbox at FSU yesterday while answering questions from reporters. When asked why his son Jeff’s tenure as offensive coordinator had come to such an ignominious end, Bowden replied:
“Because you all ignited it,” he said to a small room of reporters. “You listen to eBay and e-mail and all that junk, and you all kept writing about it and that fans it and makes it grow and grow, and it becomes a cancer. That’s why.”
(This quote is absolutely no fucking joke, emphasis added)
While many passed his words off as the deranged ramblings of a diaper-wearing despot, it turns out that the online retailer is, in fact, responsible for the decline of a once proud program. Although it was initially founded in 1994, eBay didn’t rise to national prominence until its purchase of Half.com, in June 2000, which it then rolled out as eBay Marketplace. This was a mere 5 months after Florida State won its second national championship, defeating Virginia Tech in the Sugar Bowl in January. The 2000 season would run fairly smoothly for the Noles, even depositing them into the Orange Bowl against Oklahoma, marking their 3rd straight appearance in the national title game. But the curse of eBay was already upon this team, and after offensive coordinator Mark Richt announced his departure to Georgia, the Florida State offense was shut out against the Sooners. Although it was hard to fathom at the time, this was the first of many harbingers of an offensive futility that would carry one of the most successful college football programs in recent memory into the depths of mediocrity and obscurity.
Previously a receivers coach, Jeff Bowden was elevated to offensive coordinator, a move that skirted all common sense as well as existing nepotism statutes at the state university. In his first season, Jeff’s offense was able to put up some big numbers, but also had blow-out losses to North Carolina and Miami and finished the season 8-4, its worst mark in 15 seasons. During the summer of 2002, eBay acquired PayPal, the online payment system that would position the auction retailer as the premiere internet marketplace. That next season, Florida State hit a new low in season losses, posting a 9-5 mark. In the following years, as eBay would solidify its position at the top of the internet retail mountain, FSU would solidify itself in the middle of the ACC Atlantic Division. In April of 2006, eBay opened its new eBay Express Site. In November of 2006, Florida State acquired its 5th conference loss of the season and offensive nadir in a 30-0 home loss to Wake Forest. Jeff Bowden announced his retirement firing buy-out just 3 days later.
Now that the elder Bowden has successfully pinpointed the reasons for his son’s failure as an offensive coordinator, he has determined that the only remedy is human sacrifice. In the upcoming rivalry game with the University of Florida this Saturday, Bowden will sacrifice quarterback Drew Weatherford to the Gator defense- a move the coach is hoping will succeed in “immanentizing the eschaton.”
“We talked about it a long time this morning and felt really like eBay performs better when he’s in there,” Bowden said. “Now hopefully that defense will kill him quickly, and get this whole mess behind us. That was probably one of our biggest factors in deciding that. And that’s the way we’ll go.”
(This quote, and those that follow are somewhat of a joke. A little.)
The move initially puzzled observers who noted Weatherford’s immobility would hinder him against the best front seven the Noles have faced all year. They also pointed to his dismal first quarter performance last week against Western Michigan, where he finished 2 of 6 for 8 yards. Weatherford’s performance wasn’t lost on Bowden, who commented after the 28-20 win, “it seemed like when he was in there nothing was happening. So he’s the one we’ll glorify to the demon eBay. And once the demon’s bloodlust is sated, see, then maybe we can get Jeffy back in here.”
Fans of the Noles are also hoping Weatherford has an early exit. The sophomore QB is throwing one touchdown per every 24 attempts, while his backup on Saturday, Xavier Lee, is throwing a TD every 16 attempts. Senior linebacker Buster Davis said the defense won’t be to broken up over the loss of Weatherford either: “We’ll fight our asses off,” Davis says. “Maybe he’ll be destroyed by them Gator boys. But I know the players want to see the next man, so we’ll be a’ight.”
After Saturday, the demon eBay (here shown in the earthly form of an enormongous, interception snatching defensive lineman) will haunt the Bowden’s no longer…
11.16.06
Welcome to the Terrordome…
…otherwise known as Week 1 of the College Football Playoffs. You have 2 great Mythical National Championship contender match-ups: #1 Ohio State vs. #2 Michigan, and #3 USC vs. #15 California. On top of that, you throw in the Backyard Brawl (#8 West Virginia vs. Pitt) tonight, the second-greatest rivalry ever in #14 Auburn vs. Alabama, and not one but two ACC match-ups featuring ranked teams: #16 Wake Forest vs. #21 Virginia Tech and #19 Maryland vs. #20 Boston College. That’s one hell of a weekend.
It’s fairly impossible to preview the latest, greatest Game of the Century any more than has already been done, so let’s get straight down to the picks. The Science treated me well last week, even though all underdogs in The Pool beat the spread in a staggering 13 games, 65% on the day and 10 points better than my picks. The methodology again was to pick every SEC, ACC and Big 12 underdog (since they have the best track records), which gave me 8 dogs total, a few short of the hefty average of 11 they’ve been carrying the past 4 weeks. So I went after the biggest lines, adding Buffalo and Army into the mix, then went with rooting interest for Cal over USC.
It remains to be seen whether this is a formula for success, seeing as how The Red Hook Raider messed his drawers at the mere sight of my mighty logic, and failed to enter a single pick last week. It has already been deemed a recipe for happiness, however, as on multiple occasions last Saturday I lamented that the favorite wasn’t going to cover, only to look down at my pick sheet and find that Science had my check mark next to the underdog. Thanks, Science.
The Picks:
11.14.06
God Answers Prayers in Timely Fashion
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (AP) – In a move rare for such a deity, God answered hundreds of thousands of prayers very quickly Tuesday by announcing Jeff Bowden’s resignation as offensive coordinator for the Florida Sate football team. “I usually like to work a bit slower,” spoke the Lord, “You know – make people really want it. If you give them what they want right away, they get greedy. But since most kids is spoiled these days, I let ‘em have it.” The Almighty also said he had not planned to answer these particular prayers until December 2008, but the shear quantity and volume forced his omnipotent hand. “People have been begging for this for a couple years now, but without what I would deem as the necessary passion. And I tell you what, FSU fans outdid themselves in the past 48 hours. Not only the number of prayers, but the volume on those babies was incredible. And such colorful language!”
According to some sources, there have been substantial prayers for the release of the younger Bowden before this week, some starting as early as 2001 according to his father, head coach Bobby Bowden. “I’ve been hearing those people complain about my boy for years. Scoring this, yardage that. I had about enough of it, dadgummit. And I thank the Lord I won’t have to hear it anymore.” 
Other reports that the elder Bowden had actually sold his soul to the Devil in order to have 15 straight years of unrivaled and unmitigated success at a former girls school, and that this downturn was merely Satan punishing Bowden for not dying sooner, were unconfirmed by God. “I can’t really speak to Lucifer’s plans. What I do know is that people can only endure so much pain. And a home shutout loss to Wake Forest is truly unbearable.”
The Almighty also wanted to warn those who pray for his injunction that, although he has intervened in a timely fashion on this particular matter, this was not indication of future action. “You people asking about Darfur, global warming and George Bush will just have to wait. I am working on Bin Laden, but that guy is fucking slippery, and to be honest, nobody’s been calling about him much lately. I’d also like to address those in Columbus, Ohio at this dangerous time- watch yer cornhole, bud.”
Jeff Bowden was unavailable for comment, having just picked up a new “The Heroes of the Killer Angels of Gettysburg Battlefield Strategy” coloring book, and needing to have it completed by this Saturday’s game against Western Michigan.
“HOLY SHIT!!” UPDATE: Just how badly did the Lord want Jeff to retire? $537,000 badly.
11.13.06
“Sideways: the 2006 NYG Season” aka “PhD in the Zen Art of Decision Making”
Tom and Eli, circa 2016
That game sucked. I mean it really really sucked. I guess I’m as shocked as you all that Tom Coughlin and Eli Manning took starring roles in this season’s NFL version of the movie ”Sideways.”
The title is metaphorical and…well, accurrate. I kept trying to figure out what would be a good way to discuss these guys. The wheels seem like they’re falling off in the second half again (shades of the EXACT same thing that happened last year) and the injuries continue to mount up. So, we must look to the men at the top for direction, for assurance and for good decisions.
Because I like simple math, consider the following:
(the staggering injuries) + (some really crappy offensive execution) + (obscenely questionable [read: poor] coaching) = 1 Loss.
I’ll detail each step in my equation here:
Injuries: this is a fucking joke, man. Why the F*ing g-men have had so many ridiculous injuries the last two seasons is…well, beyond this simple man’s level of comprehension. In 2005 the G-Men lost every single LB and were forced to hire circus midgets to play important games. In 2006, already placed on IR are Toomer, LB Lavar Arrington (shocker, losing a LB for the season??) and (in all likelihood) LT Luke Petitgou. Big ‘Ol Luke is not to be confused with the best OT’s in the league – but he’s serviceable and he doesn’t get embarrassed too often (unlike the way Alex Brown skull-forked Whitfield last night). Then the ridiculous crap pops up: Sam Madison comes up lame on a deep pass up the sideline before the end of the 1st half and gives up a TD AND allows Rex Grossman to repeatedly clown Corey Webster for the rest of the game. Strahan/Uemenyiora/Tuck are all injured which doesn’t allow the D to get consistent pressure on Grossman. These inuries really hurt.
Tom, pictured above showing his trademark “frustrated face” reacting to news that “Mein Kampf” was no longer a best-seller
Coughlin: I hate this freakin’ guy. I don’t know if it just me, but the guy makes me want to vurp up chili-dogs covered in baby powder and fecal matter. Anyone unwilling to question Tom Coughlin’s thought process on a day-to-day basis ought to enter an Oklahoma drill against Brandon Jacobs. If you are unfamiliar with this drill, it is basically a drill in which one guy tries to tackle a RB. In this case, I’m going to force Coughlin apologists to tackle Brandon Jacobs. PEOPLE: don’t make a stupid mistake here! Linebackers in the NFL are afraid of the 6′5″ 265 lb Jacobs…watch a game! Those NFL LB’s don’t even want to tackle him. Remember, the lesson here readers – all 4.38 per day of you – is as always:
Guns don’t kill people; Brandon Jacobs kills people.
So unless you are Phil Pfister, you can’t a) stick up for Tom Coughlin or b) tackle Brandon Jacobs in short space.
At least Tom provided us with some great feedback on what happened with the brutal coverage on the play:
“The people are not the kind of people who do the coverage for you.”
Oh, you think so, Doctor?
Tom Coughlin’s questionable decision making in the span of one game include such gaffes as:
- going for a long pass play on a night when his qb couldn’t tie his fucking shoes on 3rd and 15 in the 4th Q.
- Subsequently attempting to kick a field goal on the next play – and this one is like a quadruple whammy, because it combines multiple mistakes on one play:
- the kick was into the wind
- the kick was into the wind on the same side that Feeley had missed badly on the previous half
- the kick was into the wind on the same side that Feeley had missed badly on the previous half – and Feeley has a ridiculously weak kicking leg
- the kick was into the wind on the same side that Feeley had missed badly on the play before – and Feeley has a ridiculously weak kicking leg – AND the NY Giants LOVE a good special teams gaffe!
- After the game Coughlin foolishly got involved in a land war in Asia
- Stubbornly refused to go no-huddle during the Offense’s third quarter Apocalypto-like meltdown
- Worst of all, Tom tried to cheat a Sicilian when death was on the line!
Eli: Now we turn to what is possibly most disturbing trend of the game.
I think we can perhaps propose a few new names for Eli:
- Eli “Mental Fucking Error” Manning
- Eli “Critical Fucking Interception” Manning
- Eli “Shitty Fucking Mechanics in the Second Half of a Season” Manning
Anyway, I’m (clearly) more than slightly dismayed by Eli’s performance in the Bears game. And, oh, just about the past five games. When will Eli step up and shred a decent defense? Is he only capable of good games in September and October? If last season and thus far this season are any indications then the answer is a big fucking yes. Eli is only decent in September and October and somehow completely loses control of his Shitty Fucking Mechanics in the Second Half of a Season.
Open Letter to Eli Manning:
It’s now up to you, Kid.
I hate to say it, but based on the injuries and the fact that you get ZERO help from the coaching staff, the is really, well, and not to pressure you too much here – but the season’s on you. Completely on you. You can right this ship or fucking TITANIC the thing. It’s really up to how much you can look in the mirror and right the wrongs.Look, I get it, Tom somehow refuses to face the reality that you can run the O better out of the huddle. Ok! I get it. I have an idea: let’s be a little less stubborn and face that. Get FUCKING BETTER AT RUNNING THE FUCKING OFFENSE WHEN YOU CAN’T OPERATE OUT OF THE NO FUCKING HUDDLE. There I said it. I feel better. Don’t you?
Now, recognize that Shockey is – like it or not – the soul of the offense and that you guys can’t really accomplish a whole lot without his gay histrionics. So, feed him the ball and get homeboy fired up. Your hog-wollies seem to block a little better, a second more and the right guy when Shockey is flipping the ball and screaming at people. So uhhhh GET SHOCKEY THE GODDAMN BALL.
That’s really it. I’m really tired. Godspeed, Eli.
Playoffs?! You’re talking about PLAYOFFS?!!
Without needing to take my own stand on the apparent howling injustice that is the current BCS, I’d like to quickly address all proponents for a playoff system:
(Ahem) Hello, my name is Halleck, I am a fan of college football, and I am anti-playoff. I am the guy who is constantly harping, “the regular season is a de facto playoff, and most times, it’s single-elimination.” I love that every single game is meaningful and that there is a dearth of second chances. Beyond all the incredible rivalries, passion a joy that exists in college football (as opposed to the pro version), every team has to play nearly every game as a national championship semifinal. And never has a season so demonstrated that concept as this one, where college football fans like myself are about to be treated to a 3-week big-game orgy that didn’t need any wild cards, and didn’t rely on any artificial scheduling. Most proponents of a college playoff system prefer the 8-team variety. Well, take a look at the top 8 teams ranked in the BCS, and the coming month-long battle royale for the Mythical National Championship that will most likely play out like the Bowery Boys, Shirt Tails and Dead Rabbits battling over the Five Points:
WEEK 1: NOVEMBER 18
Semifinal 1: #1 Ohio State vs. #2 Michigan. The cleanest entry into the national title game, this is a winner-take-all feast for the football senses: undefeated teams, age-old rivalry, Heisman trophy candidate. You can’t ask for more.
Quarterfinal 1: #3 USC vs. #15 California. More of a quarter for USC- win, and you move on to play Notre Dame.
WEEK 2: NOVEMBER 25
Semifinal 2: #3 USC vs. #5 Notre Dame. Has everything the OSU/Michigan game has (although 1 loss a piece), but only USC seems to be a shoe-in to the MNC with a victory. Plus, this one has the added bonus of being a rematch of one of the greatest games played last season.
Quarterfinal 2: #7 Arkansas vs. #11 LSU. More of a quarter for Arkansas- win, and you move on to play Florida (technically, this one’s played on the 24th).
WEEK 3: DECEMBER 2
Semifinal 3: #4 Florida vs. #7 Arkansas. Provided both teams win out up to this point, the winner of the SEC Championship Game has a shot at the National Championship Game. A USC loss anywhere likely puts this winner in, and if the Trojans lose to Cal, then knock off Notre Dame, it’s just about guaranteed.
Semifinal 4: #6 Rutgers vs. #8 West Virginia. The longest road the title game, but wackier events have already played out this season and there’s no reason to think we’re done.
So there it is- every team currently ranked in the BCS top 8 has another top 8 team on their schedule. Add to the games listed above the FSU/Florida and USC/UCLA rivalries, and 2 more road games for Rutgers, and it’s shaping up to be one of the most fantastic finishes since the first season of the BCS in 1998, even if it may lack some of the cold definitiveness of a playoff. Like I said, I am a fan.
Weekend at Bowden’s…
If we trust the reports that the FSU football program was declared D.O.A. for the 2006 season, then this past Saturday night must have been the “Weekend at Bernie’s” comical apex. The reeking remains (though thankfully rigor-free) were propped up at Doak Campbell stadium around 8:30 PM eastern time for folks of all ages to come and party around, having a grand ole time while the smirking corpse remained ineffectually flopped in a recliner in the corner. Gut-busting hilarity ensued, making the following crescendos:
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Coming out of halftime, ABC viewers in the Tallahassee area were treated to the third quarter of Texas / Kansas State, in which the historically dominant team about to be upset had at least put points on the board. After missing the entire third stanza, Nole faithful were returned to the abject horror of a 30-0 home deficit. Dropped moonshine and coronaries abound.
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Wake Forest defensive backs trot around secondary, only to find footballs lodged into their armpits and facemasks. Two Seminole quarterbacks combine for 4 of the most mind-boggling interceptions ever witnessed- not a single one was near an actual receiver, and each found their respective Demon Deacon DBs with laser-guided precision. In fact, as Drew Weatherford trotted back onto the field after his first pick (3rd of the game), this commentator said aloud, “Well, I guess he’s got one more soul-crushing interception in him before he gets yanked.” 2 plays later, INT.
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The final nut-slap came from Bobby Bowden hisdamnself when he decided that 15 minutes left in the ball game was plenty of time to mount a 31-point comeback running out of the “I” formation right into the asses of the half-blind Herefords flailing about near the line of scrimmage. I was wrong about the QB situation, though- throwing 2 atrocious interceptions does not preclude one from being fit to turn, step, and shove the ball into the gut of an All-American running back in the midst of wasting his inestimable talent. It was at this divine moment that yours truly signed over his sizable bar tab to a shady debt-collection agency, and shambled home to immerse himself in Jim Beam Rye Whiskey and Illuminati conspiracy literature.
I don’t need to take the “Florida State is a dead body” joke so far as to make the “Wake attended to the wake” joke (or do I?), suffice it to say this is the first or second-most embarrassing loss in the last 15 years of FSU football, depending on how you feel about the 41-9 loss at North Carolina in 2001. While giving all credit to Wake Forest’s cruelly methodical burial tactics, I am immensely intrigued to hear answers to the following questions during Bobby’s chat today:
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Graham Gano racked up 400 yards worth of punts, 250 more than the entire offense- was Wake Forest caught off-guard by his use as a weapon? -
Exactly how much time would you say you spent in learning how to defend the end around?
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Would Daryl Dickey, Billy Sexton and Mark McHale be better served working for Initech?
Luckily for fans, Florida State has one last shot to become bowl elligible, making the enormous tilt with Western Michigan all the more important. Bernie may be dead, but he’s still the life of the party!
“We Are Ass” UPDATE: He’s no Sports Inferno Matt Foley, but Jeff Cameron succinctly summarizes the current state of FSU football. Nothing is fucked here? The goddamn plane has crashed into the mountain!
“Christmas Come Early” UPDATE: Jeffy is out at FSU. Apparently, the airing of grievances was sufficient to cause his ouster.
11.10.06
FSU / Wake Forest: A Classic!
Apparently, the whole world has gone crazy, and nobody gives a shit about the rules anymore. One of the 10 biggest games of the college football season was just played in Piscataway, New Jersey on a Thursday night. A game that left Rutgers undefeated and ruined Louisville Mythical National Championship hopes. Yup. Who’s unranked? Florida State, Penn State, Nebraska, and Miami. Who’s ranked? Rutgers, Wake Forest, Boise State and BYU. Never mind that there isn’t a single sure bet in the NFL anymore (aside from Pac-Man Jones going all lawn sprinkler on bitches in da club), the college football universe is fucking loony tunes in 2006. And perhaps no game epitomizes this wackiness like #18 Wake Forest, tied for first in the ACC Atlantic, visiting unranked FSU, second-to-last in the same division, behind the likes of ranked Maryland and ranked Boston College. And yet, the Noles are 8½-point favorites at home. In our new-found quest for logic and comfort in cold, cold science, we’re going to break down this match-up by the numbers.
There’s nary a stat on the board that FSU doesn’t hold the advantage in, outside of overall record. And although the Demon Deacons have beaten 2 teams (NC State and Boston College) which beat FSU, the Noles have both home-field and athletic advantage. But this is all window dressing- let’s take a look at how the respective units have fared thus far this season (all stats courtesy of the college football mathlete’s wet dream, College Football Stats.com, and rankings are out of a total of 119 teams):
THE RUN GAME: Florida State’s has been about as threatening as Piglet. A total lack of consistency due to the ludicrous tailback shuffle has led to games where the QB leads the team in rushing attempts. Lorenzo Booker should’ve taken over Willie Reid’s spot at split end (he’s breaking off 20-30 yards runs once you get him outside the tackles), but he continues to get significant carries up the gut for 2 yards a pop. Even last week, against a mediocre Virginia rush D, FSU got a mere 70 yards from ball carriers not named Xavier Lee. 
Meanwhile, Wake Forest is sporting the 21st ranked run defense in the country, which sounds pretty stout, until you check that they’ve only faced one top-10 rushing attack (Clemson rolled up 214 yards on the ground), and five of their eight Div. 1 opponents have a running attacks ranked 80th or worse. The hope has been that Xavier Lee’s legs and rocket arm would open up the run game for FSU, but it hasn’t happened in the past two games. Advantage: Wake Forest.
On the other side, FSU’s run D has been ungulates of a different variety, ranked 8th nationally, and chewing up backs left and right. (James Daivs who? NC State what?) The Demon Deacon rushing attack is supposed to be their bread and butter, but the last time they faced a run D even close to FSU’s was at home against Clemson, where they racked up 31 yards on 31 carries. Other run D’s WFU has faced? Mississippi (97th), Connecticut (105th), North Carolina (114th) and Syracuse (115th). Big Big Advantage: Florida State.
THE PASS GAME: This may be the one area of the field where the Seminoles have the advantage on both sides of the ball. Xavier Lee has had +120 passer ratings his last two (and only) starts, going for 471 yards, 3 TDs and no INTs. That last one is the most important number- WFU has a ball-hawking secondary, snatching 12 INTs on the season, but overall, both Maryland (60th) and Virginia (34th) have better ranked pass defenses than Wake (88th). The biggest question is how early Lee will be able to get in a rhythm. It happened early against Maryland, with FSU throwing on first down and stretching the middle of the field, but against Virginia, he didn’t get hot until the second half. Although this relies on an offensive coaching staff using their big boy brains, I think FSU comes out firing again, and Lee will be consistent. Advantage: Florida State.
I have dogged the Nole secondary all year- injuries have killed them as much as the linebackers, but they’ve still been spotty in coverage, and when they are in good position, they make bad plays on the ball. Luckily, the Wake passing O has been underwhelming to say the least. They’re only topped 150 yards passing in 2 games against D-1 opponents, and have managed only 3 TDs against 3 teams with better pass defenses than FSU’s. Slight advantage: Florida State.
IN GENERAL: Wake Forest employs a classic “bend but don’t break” defensive scheme that has served them incredibly well. They’re ranked 32nd in scoring defense and 10th in overall D. But outside of the running game, they’ve only faced one team (Clemson) with a better scoring offense (8th vs. 30th) or overall offense (13th vs. 45th), and they lost that game. They also haven’t faced a dual-threat QB all season, which could give them fits. They give up yards, but they don’t give up points, and FSU has had trouble executing in the red zone. It will take 7s rather than 3s to beat the Demon Deacons, and those are no guarantee with the Noles. Advantage: Even.
On the flip side, I’m not sure how Wake Forest is going to put up points with its offense. Previous teams have beaten FSU through the air, but Wake’s passing offense ranks 108th in the nation. Plus this is the best run defense they’ve seen all season. Advantage: Florida State.
THE LITTLE THINGS: Which end up meaning so much. The Demon Deacons are 22nd in the nation in turnover margin, going +6 on the season. FSU is 90th at –4. Eight of those turnovers were picks, and Lee hasn’t thrown one in the last 8 quarters, but the fact remains that this WFU team goes after the ball, and, more often than not, gets it. Wake has also been better in the penalty department, giving up only 44.6 yards a game on 5.4 penalties. FSU has been committing 7.6 penalties a game, giving away 59.7 yards. Advantage: Wake Forest.
Your Saturday Night Coaching Match-Up.
TO SUM: That puts FSU up 4-2 in advantages, but Wake Forest holds all the cards in the “intangibles” department. It will take what the Noles have been incapable of in their 4 losses to win this game: To come out, hit a quality opponent in the mouth early, and never look back. This is not a Wake team built to come from behind. But then again, that’s not a place FSU has put many of their opponents in. A coaching staff comprised of rational adults would sic the dogs on Wake Forest early, and try and get a night home crowd loud and rowdy from the get-go. But folks in Tallahassee haven’t been exposed to fear-inducing competence in 5-plus years, and there’s really no indication that they’ll be reintroduced on Saturday night. So here’s to hoping that Xavier Lee can make 5-6 plays on his own, that Buster Davis and Myron Rolle continue to have big games, and that the Noles catch one big break – because that’s what it will take to win this one. Florida State 30 – Wake Forest 17.
