If we trust the reports that the FSU football program was declared D.O.A. for the 2006 season, then this past Saturday night must have been the “Weekend at Bernie’s” comical apex. The reeking remains (though thankfully rigor-free) were propped up at Doak Campbell stadium around 8:30 PM eastern time for folks of all ages to come and party around, having a grand ole time while the smirking corpse remained ineffectually flopped in a recliner in the corner. Gut-busting hilarity ensued, making the following crescendos:

• Coming out of halftime, ABC viewers in the Tallahassee area were treated to the third quarter of Texas / Kansas State, in which the historically dominant team about to be upset had at least put points on the board. After missing the entire third stanza, Nole faithful were returned to the abject horror of a 30-0 home deficit. Dropped moonshine and coronaries abound.

• Wake Forest defensive backs trot around secondary, only to find footballs lodged into their armpits and facemasks. Two Seminole quarterbacks combine for 4 of the most mind-boggling interceptions ever witnessed- not a single one was near an actual receiver, and each found their respective Demon Deacon DBs with laser-guided precision. In fact, as Drew Weatherford trotted back onto the field after his first pick (3^rd of the game), this commentator said aloud, “Well, I guess he’s got one more soul-crushing interception in him before he gets yanked.” 2 plays later, INT.

• The final nut-slap came from Bobby Bowden hisdamnself when he decided that 15 minutes left in the ball game was plenty of time to mount a 31-point comeback running out of the “I” formation right into the asses of the half-blind Herefords flailing about near the line of scrimmage. I was wrong about the QB situation, though- throwing 2 atrocious interceptions does not preclude one from being fit to turn, step, and shove the ball into the gut of an All-American running back in the midst of wasting his inestimable talent. It was at this divine moment that yours truly signed over his sizable bar tab to a shady debt-collection agency, and shambled home to immerse himself in Jim Beam Rye Whiskey and Illuminati conspiracy literature.

I don’t need to take the “Florida State is a dead body” joke so far as to make the “Wake attended to the wake” joke (or do I?), suffice it to say this is the first or second-most embarrassing loss in the last 15 years of FSU football, depending on how you feel about the 41-9 loss at North Carolina in 2001. While giving all credit to Wake Forest’s cruelly methodical burial tactics, I am immensely intrigued to hear answers to the following questions during Bobby’s chat today:

• Graham Gano racked up 400 yards worth of punts, 250 more than the entire offense- was Wake Forest caught off-guard by his use as a weapon?

• Exactly how much time would you say you spent in learning how to defend the end around?

• Would Daryl Dickey, Billy Sexton and Mark McHale be better served working for Initech?

Luckily for fans, Florida State has one last shot to become bowl elligible, making the enormous tilt with Western Michigan all the more important. Bernie may be dead, but he’s still the life of the party!

“We Are Ass” UPDATE: He’s no Sports Inferno Matt Foley, but Jeff Cameron succinctly summarizes the current state of FSU football. Nothing is fucked here? The goddamn plane has crashed into the mountain!

“Christmas Come Early” UPDATE: Jeffy is out at FSU. Apparently, the airing of grievances was sufficient to cause his ouster.