01.26.07
NBA’s Atlantic division renamed 2005 NL West
NBA Commissioner David Stern today renamed the Eastern Conference’s Atlantic Division, in an effort to get better play out of its teams.
“Oh yeah? You want to fight for a division title with a bunch of sub-500 records?” wrote in a memo to the owners of the Atlantic Division. “Well then I’m going to treat you like a division full of sub-500 teams. From now on, you are going to be called the 2005 National League West, you bunch of pussies. You are an embarrassment to the NBA, and that’s saying a lot.”
The Toronto Raptors, New Jersey Nets, New York Knicks, Philadelphia 76ers, and Boston Celtics all have losing records, with the Raptors at the top of the dung heap with 21 wins and 22 losses. Stern has also changed the names of the clubs, with the teams heretofore known as the Toronto Padres, New Jersey Diamondbacks, New York Giants, Philadelphia Pirates, and Boston Royals.
“‘Dodgers’ and ‘Rockies’ just didn’t do the crappy ineptitude of the Celtics and 76ers justice. I could field a better starting five from a crack baby hospital ward,” said Stern.
Stern also said he is relaxing the dress code for the teams in the Atlantic Division, allowing players to show up on gameday covered in feces, wrapped in paper bags, or “whatever else reflects their shitty play.”
Knicks coach Isiah Thomas responded to the renaming of the division and team with, “We’re just trying to win the division one loss at a time.”
Raptors forward Chris Bosh likes his new team name. “I too am changing my name. From here on out, please address me as Trevor Hoffman.” Bosh then air guitared to AC/DC’s “Hell’s Bells” and strolled out onto the court.
Stern says if this style of play continues, he will consider renaming the teams the Mercury, the Sparks, the Liberty, the Mystics, and the Pansy-Ass Skirt-Wearing Faggots.
01.22.07
They’re Really Great Guys…
If you can get past all the penis jokes (of which some twenty are posted just below the one I’m about to reference) the guys over at EDSBS are actually warm and caring, and would totally be there for you if you ever needed them, dude. Proof positive is this post, linking to an New York Times article about “the other football.”
Growing up playing soccer in America can sometimes make you feel like part of a secret society, or an outcast gang. Nobody else seems to get it, much less love it. Watching the World Cup still amazes me every time, because I think to myself, “Holy shit. EVERYONE loves this game. And this game can do anything.” This article is evidence that sports, and especially soccer, can provide truly transcendant moments to those that play them and support them. Enjoy.
01.11.07
The Facts That Begat The Madness…
SMQ has yet another in depth post delving into the reasoning behind declaring one college football team “better,” or “the best.” For the most part, we wholeheartedly agree, and this helps explain our mania for college ball. The “facts” in this case are the games themselves and the non-negotiable results of said games. Florida pummeled Ohio State on Monday night- that’s a fact. And that’s the only real fact that can be taken from the game- the Gators were better (far better) than the Buckeyes in that particular game, on that particular night. The “madness” here is the logic one attempts to derive from those facts. Although Florida won that particular game, you’d be hard pressed to say they were a “better” team over the course of the season leading up to that game. The uber-madness is extrapolating out further- the SEC is inherently “better” and “faster,” or South Carolina is “better” than OSU becasue they played Florida closer, in the Swamp no less.
All of this madness contributes to poll rankings and steers a large amount of college football conversation and conjecture. And personally? We love it. Embrace the anarchy, baby. And this why we chafe at all attempts to bring order to the chaos, such as pre-season polls, the lone “Natyional Championship” game, playoff scenarios, and the like. At the same time, we recognize that without these attempts at order, the chaos that is college football would not shine so brightly.
So even though we have to wait eight months for any more facts, the madness, thankfully, never ends. Viva la Anarchy!
01.08.07
JIMBO!!!!
Yes, the absence was prolonged, especially considering the post we left at the top of the page for the last 2 weeks, but it’s all Jimbo!!* Mania now, baby. That’s right, the man who may or may not be a shrimping boat captain has now, finally, officially been named the new OC at FSU. And my agonizing wait to post the picture is finally over:
Yup, after oh so many ins and outs (reminiscient of middle school romance, we were talking, we weren’t, we passed some notes, he flirted, we got mad, then we made up)you’re looking at, quite possibly, the next head caoch Florida State University. Personally? I’m absolutely giddy. The man’s name is Jimbo!! He’s responsible for two absolutely demoralizing bowl game ass-whompings of Miami and Notre Dame the past two seasons, and a 2003 National Championship to boot! His name is not Jeff Bowden! If the man’s new offense can average 375 yards and 30 points a game in 2007 he’ll probably be more popular than Saint Bobby hisdadgumself.
All in all, it’s been quite a haul for the Noles in the last couple weeks, to wit:
- December 27: Lorenzo Booker is kidnapped and locked in the trunk of a 1996 Volvo wagon parked near AT&T Park in San Francisco. He is replaced by LaDanian Tomlinson for FSU’s appearance in the historic and illustrious Emerald Bowl. FSU wins.
- January 3: Seminole fans bid a tearful goodbye to favorite QB coach Daryl Dickey who groomed some of the most reliably unreliable QBs in program history over the past 6 seasons. Dickey joins departing RB Caoch Billy Sexton and OL coach Mark McHale, leaving behind an offense that truly will never be forgotten. FSU wins.
- January 4: FSU signs new OL coach Rick Trickett, who, while not a shrimping boat captain, is a former Marine and Vietnam war (combat!!) vetern, who said of his new charges, “If they’re scared of hard work they will have a problem. If they’re not they’ll probably be all-conference. If they’re lazy they’ll probably have a problem. If they’re not, they’ll probably be All-America. We’re going to get hard nosed and people will regret seeing us roll into town.” FSU wins.
- January 5: FSU signs new WR coach Lawrence Dawsey a former player who was as hard-working as he was gifted and has turned into a beloved “player’s coach.” Plus, he posed for this picture (Dawsey in white):
And now we get Jimbo!! Fisher, who may or may not be a shrimping boat captain. I’m telling you now, that considering the regime he is following, Jimbo!! has absolutely no ceiling with FSU fans. Don’t be surprsied if he has his own statue in 10 years, and check the baby-naming trends in the 32303 zip code. This is like following Pinochet in Chile- as long as you don’t start disappearing the populace, you’re a hero.
I’m excited, you’re excited, we’re all excited. Let’s get to Feb. 6, when our irrational optimism can hit Stage II: Lunatic Slobbering Over 18-Year-Olds. Only these will be dudes, dude. Maybe we should re-check our priorities.
Jimbo!!
*Please note that according to Florida Statute 445.056, enacted January 1, 2006, all written references to Jimbo!! Fisher’s name must contain at least 2 exclamation points, but no more than four exclamation points, placed directly after his first name.
