01.26.07
NBA’s Atlantic division renamed 2005 NL West
NBA Commissioner David Stern today renamed the Eastern Conference’s Atlantic Division, in an effort to get better play out of its teams.
“Oh yeah? You want to fight for a division title with a bunch of sub-500 records?” wrote in a memo to the owners of the Atlantic Division. “Well then I’m going to treat you like a division full of sub-500 teams. From now on, you are going to be called the 2005 National League West, you bunch of pussies. You are an embarrassment to the NBA, and that’s saying a lot.”
The Toronto Raptors, New Jersey Nets, New York Knicks, Philadelphia 76ers, and Boston Celtics all have losing records, with the Raptors at the top of the dung heap with 21 wins and 22 losses. Stern has also changed the names of the clubs, with the teams heretofore known as the Toronto Padres, New Jersey Diamondbacks, New York Giants, Philadelphia Pirates, and Boston Royals.
“‘Dodgers’ and ‘Rockies’ just didn’t do the crappy ineptitude of the Celtics and 76ers justice. I could field a better starting five from a crack baby hospital ward,” said Stern.
Stern also said he is relaxing the dress code for the teams in the Atlantic Division, allowing players to show up on gameday covered in feces, wrapped in paper bags, or “whatever else reflects their shitty play.”
Knicks coach Isiah Thomas responded to the renaming of the division and team with, “We’re just trying to win the division one loss at a time.”
Raptors forward Chris Bosh likes his new team name. “I too am changing my name. From here on out, please address me as Trevor Hoffman.” Bosh then air guitared to AC/DC’s “Hell’s Bells” and strolled out onto the court.
Stern says if this style of play continues, he will consider renaming the teams the Mercury, the Sparks, the Liberty, the Mystics, and the Pansy-Ass Skirt-Wearing Faggots.
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