01.08.07
JIMBO!!!!
Yes, the absence was prolonged, especially considering the post we left at the top of the page for the last 2 weeks, but it’s all Jimbo!!* Mania now, baby. That’s right, the man who may or may not be a shrimping boat captain has now, finally, officially been named the new OC at FSU. And my agonizing wait to post the picture is finally over:
Yup, after oh so many ins and outs (reminiscient of middle school romance, we were talking, we weren’t, we passed some notes, he flirted, we got mad, then we made up)you’re looking at, quite possibly, the next head caoch Florida State University. Personally? I’m absolutely giddy. The man’s name is Jimbo!! He’s responsible for two absolutely demoralizing bowl game ass-whompings of Miami and Notre Dame the past two seasons, and a 2003 National Championship to boot! His name is not Jeff Bowden! If the man’s new offense can average 375 yards and 30 points a game in 2007 he’ll probably be more popular than Saint Bobby hisdadgumself.
All in all, it’s been quite a haul for the Noles in the last couple weeks, to wit:
- December 27: Lorenzo Booker is kidnapped and locked in the trunk of a 1996 Volvo wagon parked near AT&T Park in San Francisco. He is replaced by LaDanian Tomlinson for FSU’s appearance in the historic and illustrious Emerald Bowl. FSU wins.
- January 3: Seminole fans bid a tearful goodbye to favorite QB coach Daryl Dickey who groomed some of the most reliably unreliable QBs in program history over the past 6 seasons. Dickey joins departing RB Caoch Billy Sexton and OL coach Mark McHale, leaving behind an offense that truly will never be forgotten. FSU wins.
- January 4: FSU signs new OL coach Rick Trickett, who, while not a shrimping boat captain, is a former Marine and Vietnam war (combat!!) vetern, who said of his new charges, “If they’re scared of hard work they will have a problem. If they’re not they’ll probably be all-conference. If they’re lazy they’ll probably have a problem. If they’re not, they’ll probably be All-America. We’re going to get hard nosed and people will regret seeing us roll into town.” FSU wins.
- January 5: FSU signs new WR coach Lawrence Dawsey a former player who was as hard-working as he was gifted and has turned into a beloved “player’s coach.” Plus, he posed for this picture (Dawsey in white):
And now we get Jimbo!! Fisher, who may or may not be a shrimping boat captain. I’m telling you now, that considering the regime he is following, Jimbo!! has absolutely no ceiling with FSU fans. Don’t be surprsied if he has his own statue in 10 years, and check the baby-naming trends in the 32303 zip code. This is like following Pinochet in Chile- as long as you don’t start disappearing the populace, you’re a hero.
I’m excited, you’re excited, we’re all excited. Let’s get to Feb. 6, when our irrational optimism can hit Stage II: Lunatic Slobbering Over 18-Year-Olds. Only these will be dudes, dude. Maybe we should re-check our priorities.
Jimbo!!
*Please note that according to Florida Statute 445.056, enacted January 1, 2006, all written references to Jimbo!! Fisher’s name must contain at least 2 exclamation points, but no more than four exclamation points, placed directly after his first name.
11.28.06
The Candidacy
Yes, there is muted excitement in Seminole land these days. A defense returning all but 2 starters played their guts out on Saturday, single-handedly dragging the rotten corpse offense back into the game against a hated rival, only to watch that corpse defecate post-mortem all over itself. And now that same corpse is being dragged up the castle steps into the dungeonous laboratory to be reanimated. But who will play Dr. Frankenstein in 2007? We’ll take a look at the pros and cons of the four most talked about names thus far, as well as their respective Lap Dog Quotients. What, you didn’t actually think Bobby will hand over the reins at this point, did you?
Name: Jimbo Fisher
Current Position: OC and QB coach at LSU
Pros: His name is Jimbo. I repeat, Jimbo. Which means he may or may not actually be a shrimping boat captain. And speaking of shrimping, he seems to love the Bowdens like Forrest loved Jenny. He played QB for Terry, even transferring from Salem to Samford his senior season to follow the known philanderer. He then coached under Terry at Samford and along with Tommy at Auburn. And now he’s presided over the most successful span in LSU history, making him my personal favorite for the gig. Like I said, Jimbo!
Cons: He may or may not be a shrimping boat captain.
Lap Dog Quotient: 5 Bones. It may be that the only thing keeping Jimbo from already working underneath a Bowden is Terry’s absence from the sideline. To drag the Gump metaphor into the disgusting, the Bowden clan is on their last, AIDS-riddled legs – do you trust Forrest to raise the kid on his own? 
Name: George Henshaw
Current Position: Senior Offensive Assistant and RB coach at New Orleans
Pros: NFL ties galore. George has spent the last 18 years on the offensive side of the ball in the NFL, from Broncos to the Giants to the Titans to the Saints. Which means not only could he probably assemble quite a staff to join him, but high school kids love love love to hear how coaches are linked to the pros. Crazy kids.
Cons: He looks like a nice, kind-hearted soul. I prefer OCs to look like arrogant neurosurgeons who would enjoy toying with your very life in order to give themselves a challenge. “Doctor, what are you doing with that nail gun? Jesus Christ!!” “Uh-oh, nurse, this just got a whole lot more complicated. Wheee!!!”
Lap Dog Quotient: 4 Bones. Henshaw’s straight off Bobby’s coaching tree, from West Virginia to FSU from 1970 to 1982. The Noles compiled a 21-1 record during his 3 years as OC, which has most fans drooling. Yet he sent his own QB-turned-TE son to FSU during 2001-05, which at the time was known as “Where QBs and TEs Go To Tackle,” so his judgment at this point may be questionable. 
Name: Chris Hatcher
Current Position: Head Coach at Division II Valdosta State
Pros: An “Air Raid” attack that racks up yards, points and wins on the Div. II level like nobody’s business. (The early con here is that its yards, points and wins on the Div. II level) He’s coached up quite a few QBs at the collegiate level: Daunte Culpepper, Tim Couch and Dusty Bonner, which pretty much makes him Jeff Tedford without the nice address and a win against USC. He’s also been kind enough to take QB’s off Bowden’s hands and turn them into competent throwers and DII champions (see: Fabian Walker).
Cons: His resume on the Blazers sports page reads like praise from the Football Gods themselves, and includes the single-best paragraph-starting phrase ever: “Great stuff.” That resume, as well as a “no comment” statement on the FSU opening is a straight link from the front of the football home page, which means he keeps his job-hunting low-key.
Lap Dog Quotient: 8 Bones. He’s young and impressionable. When he and Bobby get done telling tales about what its like coaching at a former all girls college, Hatcher will immediately commence his only ascribed duties: drawing up plays for Drew Weatherford out of the “I” formation. 
Name: Larry Fedora
Current Position: OC and QB coach at Oklahoma State
Pros: His offense can score points (8th in Scoring O) and run the ball (8th in Rushing O). For a team sorely lacking in both departments, that’s good.
Cons: Was the Gator run game/perimeter game/offensive coordinator from 2002-04, giving him a losing record against Jeff Bowden-coached offenses. Not good.
Lap Dog Quotient: 3 Bones. This is a random guess. I can’t figure any direct connection to the Bowden clan, and all reports are that he’s a top recruiter and fast tracked to greatness. But he’s named after a hat, so…
