February 22, 2007

Miami Heat dislocates shoulder, playoff hopes dashed

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:15 pm by Chairman Meow

HOUSTON–Things are not looking too good for the defending NBA champion.

Trying to spur a fourth-quarter run against the Houston Rockets, the Miami Heat dislocated his left shoulder yesterday, severely impacting his chances at making the playoffs this year.

wade.jpg“It’s a real shame, as the Miami Heat was having one of his best statistical years ever,” said Rockets guard Tracy McGrady. “I’ve seen the Heat get knocked down hard driving to the basket and get right back up, but when I saw the pain on the Heat’s face, I knew this wasn’t a minor injury.”

The Heat is currently in third place in the Southeast at 26-27. With the Heat unable to play for at least a few weeks, if not more, improving that record and gaining ground in the playoff race are practically impossible.

“This is going to be the hardest coaching challenge of my life. I have to find a whole new team soon, or we’re doomed,” said the Heat’s coach, Pat Riley. “I have to put someone out there.”

Los Angeles Lakers coach Phil Jackson sent his condolences. “I don’t know what I would do if Lakers got hurt. He’s our heart and soul. My only suggestion to Riley is to do what some of those other NBA teams do, and that is put five guys on the court and give them each a chance to play together.”

“I let the whole city of Miami down.” said the Heat from the hospital, after his shoulder was successfully reset. “The Heat may not play basketball for a few weeks, but I’ll be back and the games will continue.”

Henry Wagner, a season-ticket holder ever since the Heat joined the league in 2003, said, “Hey, who are those other guys wearing those red jerseys. That big guy,” he said squinting to read a name, “O’neal…can he play?”


January 26, 2007

NBA’s Atlantic division renamed 2005 NL West

Posted in Basketball, Itch News, NBA at 1:36 pm by Chairman Meow

NBA Commissioner David Stern today renamed the Eastern Conference’s Atlantic Division, in an effort to get better play out of its teams.

“Oh yeah? You want to fight for a division title with a bunch of sub-500 records?” wrote in a memo to the owners of the Atlantic Division. “Well then I’m going to treat you like a division full of sub-500 teams. From now on, you are going to be called the 2005 National League West, you bunch of pussies. You are an embarrassment to the NBA, and that’s saying a lot.”

carter.jpgThe Toronto Raptors, New Jersey Nets, New York Knicks, Philadelphia 76ers, and Boston Celtics all have losing records, with the Raptors at the top of the dung heap with 21 wins and 22 losses. Stern has also changed the names of the clubs, with the teams heretofore known as the Toronto Padres, New Jersey Diamondbacks, New York Giants, Philadelphia Pirates, and Boston Royals.

“‘Dodgers’ and ‘Rockies’ just didn’t do the crappy ineptitude of the Celtics and 76ers justice. I could field a better starting five from a crack baby hospital ward,” said Stern.

Stern also said he is relaxing the dress code for the teams in the Atlantic Division, allowing players to show up on gameday covered in feces, wrapped in paper bags, or “whatever else reflects their shitty play.”

Knicks coach Isiah Thomas responded to the renaming of the division and team with, “We’re just trying to win the division one loss at a time.”

Raptors forward Chris Bosh likes his new team name. “I too am changing my name. From here on out, please address me as Trevor Hoffman.” Bosh then air guitared to AC/DC’s “Hell’s Bells” and strolled out onto the court.

Stern says if this style of play continues, he will consider renaming the teams the Mercury, the Sparks, the Liberty, the Mystics, and the Pansy-Ass Skirt-Wearing Faggots.

January 22, 2007

They’re Really Great Guys…

Posted in Soccer, Sports Media at 9:28 am by Halleck T.

Fugeelove.If you can get past all the penis jokes (of which some twenty are posted just below the one I’m about to reference) the guys over at EDSBS are actually warm and caring, and would totally be there for you if you ever needed them, dude. Proof positive is this post, linking to an New York Times article about “the other football.”

Growing up playing soccer in America can sometimes make you feel like part of a secret society, or an outcast gang. Nobody else seems to get it, much less love it. Watching the World Cup still amazes me every time, because I think to myself, “Holy shit. EVERYONE loves this game. And this game can do anything.” This article is evidence that sports, and especially soccer, can provide truly transcendant moments to those that play them and support them. Enjoy.

January 11, 2007

The Facts That Begat The Madness…

Posted in Anarchy, College Football at 8:39 am by Halleck T.

SMQ has yet another in depth post delving into the reasoning behind declaring one college football team “better,” or “the best.” For the most part, we wholeheartedly agree, and this helps explain our mania for college ball. The “facts” in this case are the games themselves and the non-negotiable results of said games. Florida pummeled Ohio State on Monday night- that’s a fact. And that’s the only real fact that can be taken from the game- the Gators were better (far better) than the Buckeyes in that particular game, on that particular night. The “madness” here is the logic one attempts to derive from those facts. Although Florida won that particular game, you’d be hard pressed to say they were a “better” team over the course of the season leading up to that game. The uber-madness is extrapolating out further- the SEC is inherently “better” and “faster,” or South Carolina is “better” than OSU becasue they played Florida closer, in the Swamp no less.

All of this madness contributes to poll rankings and steers a large amount of college football conversation and conjecture. And personally? We love it. Embrace the anarchy, baby. And this why we chafe at all attempts to bring order to the chaos, such as pre-season polls, the lone “Natyional Championship” game, playoff scenarios, and the like.  At the same time, we recognize that without these attempts at order, the chaos that is college football would not shine so brightly.

So even though we have to wait eight months for any more facts, the madness, thankfully, never ends. Viva la Anarchy!


January 8, 2007


Posted in College Football, Corpse Reanimation, FSU, God the Almighty, Shrimping Boat Captains at 1:24 pm by Halleck T.

Yes, the absence was prolonged, especially considering the post we left at the top of the page for the last 2 weeks, but it’s all Jimbo!!* Mania now, baby. That’s right, the man who may or may not be a shrimping boat captain has now, finally, officially been named the new OC at FSU. And my agonizing wait to post the picture is finally over:


Yup, after oh so many ins and outs (reminiscient of middle school romance, we were talking, we weren’t, we passed some notes, he flirted, we got mad, then we made up)you’re looking at, quite possibly, the next head caoch Florida State University. Personally? I’m absolutely giddy. The man’s name is Jimbo!! He’s responsible for two absolutely demoralizing bowl game ass-whompings of Miami and Notre Dame the past two seasons, and a 2003 National Championship to boot! His name is not Jeff Bowden! If the man’s new offense can average 375 yards and 30 points a game in 2007 he’ll probably be more popular than Saint Bobby hisdadgumself.

All in all, it’s been quite a haul for the Noles in the last couple weeks, to wit:

  • December 27: Lorenzo Booker is kidnapped and locked in the trunk of a 1996 Volvo wagon parked near AT&T Park in San Francisco. He is replaced by LaDanian Tomlinson for FSU’s appearance in the historic and illustrious Emerald Bowl. FSU wins.
  • January 3: Seminole fans bid a tearful goodbye to favorite QB coach Daryl Dickey who groomed some of the most reliably unreliable QBs in program history over the past 6 seasons. Dickey joins departing RB Caoch Billy Sexton and OL coach Mark McHale, leaving behind an offense that truly will never be forgotten. FSU wins.
  • January 4: FSU signs new OL coach Rick Trickett, who, while not a shrimping boat captain, is a former Marine and Vietnam war (combat!!) vetern, who said of his new charges, “If they’re scared of hard work they will have a problem. If they’re not they’ll probably be all-conference. If they’re lazy they’ll probably have a problem. If they’re not, they’ll probably be All-America. We’re going to get hard nosed and people will regret seeing us roll into town.” FSU wins.
  • January 5: FSU signs new WR coach Lawrence Dawsey a former player who was as hard-working as he was gifted and has turned into a beloved “player’s coach.” Plus, he posed for this picture (Dawsey in white):
  • Classic.

And now we get Jimbo!! Fisher, who may or may not be a shrimping boat captain. I’m telling you now, that considering the regime he is following, Jimbo!! has absolutely no ceiling with FSU fans. Don’t be surprsied if he has his own statue in 10 years, and check the baby-naming trends in the 32303 zip code. This is like following Pinochet in Chile- as long as you don’t start disappearing the populace, you’re a hero.

I’m excited, you’re excited, we’re all excited. Let’s get to Feb. 6, when our irrational optimism can hit Stage II: Lunatic Slobbering Over 18-Year-Olds. Only these will be dudes, dude. Maybe we should re-check our priorities.


*Please note that according to Florida Statute 445.056, enacted January 1, 2006, all written references to Jimbo!! Fisher’s name must contain at least 2 exclamation points, but no more than four exclamation points, placed directly after his first name.

December 12, 2006

Hip Hop Ode to the Double

Posted in Baseball at 12:38 pm by Halleck T.

While much of the blog-o-verse is going nutty over the new “Heizman on Dat Ho” dance, another celebratory boogie is being overlooked. The video below was shot by four upstanding youngsters, and depicts their ballerinesque tribute to one of baseball’s most overlooked joys: the double. The song and dance, aptly named “Tea Bag Dat Ho!!!” references the two-base hit in the most reverential way possible. “T bag” obviously refers to “two bag”, meaning the runner takes two bases on one mighty stroke, and “dat ho” is most likely their preference for doubles to be hit in one’s own park, i.e., “please hit that double into the gap on a pitch thrown on your home field, sir.” And although the sound quality on the short film is only slightly better than a crica 1992 cell phone, one can clearly hear the angelic voices singing about “balls,” surely those they would love to see lined into left-center. I expect to see these four young lads at more than a few MLB and little league games come spring, and I can’t wait to hear their take on “DP,” or double play for those unfamiliar with baseball lingo.

December 8, 2006

Bowden Talking to Alabama About Raise

Posted in College Football, Fan Torture, FSU, Itch News at 3:08 pm by Halleck T.

Bronzed, but looking for more cash.TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (AP) – In the wake of Rich Rodriguez’s refusal of the University of Alabama head football coach position, and dramatic return to West Virginia, Bobby Bowden has been visiting with Alabama officials concerning a pay raise from Florida State. Although wary of the email and the eBay, Bowden thought the leak of his talks with Alabama would spur his current employer to renegotiate his current “life-time” contract. When asked about the details of his conversations with the legendary SEC school, Bowden seemed non-committal, and slightly confused, reminding Florida State fans of his recent half-time interviews:

“We met with Mal Moore and some folks at the Denny’s there in Tuscaloosa, but didn’t talk about the coaching job at Alabama,” Bowden recalled. Although Ann Bowden, his wife, thought differently. “Honey, we were still in Tallahassee, and it was at Village Inn.” “Well why’d it take so dadgum long to get there then?” Because we were stopped at a traffic light on Monroe remember?” “But I saw that damn elephant walking around in a ‘Bama sweater.” “Dangit, Bobby that was Mal’s wife Charlotte!”

Alabama officials were unavailable for comment on the story, however there are reports that they have also been talks with several other coaches looking for raises, including Mike Leach at Texas Tech, Dennis Erickson at Idaho, Rush Probst at Hoover High and, most recently, Randy Shannon at Miami.

Charlotte Moore?

December 6, 2006

Miami’s Super Secret New Head Coach…

Posted in College Football, Dirty Dirty Hurricanes at 1:10 pm by Halleck T.

Swing Away!Jaws across the college football nation dropped like testes of Lincoln High School’s freshman class this week when the immortal Bernie Kosar announced his interest in the head coaching job at his alma mater Miami. Aside from being most famous for losing big games late on dramatic plays (Flutie’s ‘Hail Mary’ and Elway’s ‘The Drive’ both happened on his watch), Kosar has exactly zero coaching experience. The AP explains it thusly:

Kosar has no coaching experience, but he often serves as a mentor to quarterbacks at Miami, where he serves as a university trustee. He retired from the NFL after a 12-year career with the Cleveland Browns, Dallas Cowboys and Miami Dolphins.

Those QBs on Kosar’s resume? Ken Dorsey, Brcok Berlin, Kyle Wright and now Kirby Freeman. One doesn’t need to press ear to the ground to hear that wonderful sound of the 10,000 hardcore Miami fans hitting the floor in one simultaneous heart attack. The AP also touts Kosar as a “fan favorite…from 1983 to 1984.” Which is coincidentally the last time the Hurricanes had fans other than Luther Campbell, Vanilla Ice and Michael Irvin.

Playoffs Revisited…

Posted in BCS Conference Rankings, College Football at 8:47 am by Halleck T.

3 weeks ago we previewed the de facto playoff of the top 8 teams in the country. It was hyped (by yours truly) as potentially one of the most exciting finishes to a college football season in recent memory. How did it all work out? Let’s review each team by their rank and games played since November 18th: 

#1 Ohio State: Was victorious in “Semifinal 1” and advanced to the title game. Now OSU is given the privilege of proving that it’s the best team in the nation, and not just the best team in its conference.

#2 Michigan: Lost “Semifinal 1” and was eliminated from the title game. Funny- that’s how it happens in a playoff system. [My 2 cents on the merits of Michigan vs. Florida: You have to go on actual resume (games played) and you have to go by wins, not by losses. Michigan has 2 wins over teams that are ranked in the final BCS top-25 (Wisconsin and Notre Dame). Those 2 teams combined for 0 wins over teams also ranked in the final 25. (For comparison sake, BYU is the only other team in the top 25 without a top 25 win.) Florida has 3 wins over teams that are ranked in the final BCS top-25 (LSU, Arkansas and Tennessee). Those 3 teams combined for 5 wins over teams also ranked in the final 25. Looks like a better resume to me.]

#3 USC: Won its “Quarterfinal 1” against #15 Cal, and “Semifinal 2” against #5 Notre Dame. Unfortunately, they dropped the semi-semifinal against UCLA. A huge upset to be sure, but not unlike what happens during March Madness every year.

#4 Florida: Won “Semifinal 3” over #7 Arkansas, after winning regional game against FSU. Biggest plus here? No losses.

#5 Notre Dame: Lost “Semifinal 2” in spectacular fashion, and was thusly dropped from title game consideration.

#6 Rutgers: Lost twice – first in the opening round to Cincinnati (which effectively ended its title chase) and then to West Virginia in “Semifinal 4”. Goodbye, Rutgers, thanks for making it interesting.

#7 Arkansas: Also lost twice – to #11 LSU in “Quarterfinal 2”, (see first Rutgers loss above) and to Florida in “Semifinal 3”.

#8 West Virginia:  Was unceremoniously dropped by South Florida, also an early round upset. 

To Sum: If you consider “the playoffs” began on November 18th, only 2 teams finished without a loss. And, (insanely!) those are the 2 teams playing for the national title. You may look at this as a situation unique to this season, but so are the supposed playoff fixes. A few years ago we needed an 8-team playoff, and before that, a 4-team playoff would’ve fit perfectly. Last year we didn’t need one at all, and this year all we need is a #2 v. #3 play-in to see who plays Ohio State. There is no perfect system to define who the best team is – playoff systems merely define who was best on that given day, or week, or few weeks. I’m in favor of rewarding a team as quickly as possible for having a perfect, or near-perfect season. You win, you’re in. You lose, you’re out. And that goes for every game you play, especially the ones in my mythical 8-team playoff-lite scenario this season. Next year, we’ll just need 4.

November 30, 2006

Steinbrenner wins bid to talk to apartment doorman

Posted in Baseball, Itch News at 5:55 pm by Chairman Meow

NEW YORK–George Steinbrenner, owner of the New York Yankees, has successfully outbid others for the rights to talk to the doorman of his Manhattan apartment complex. The deal comes on the heels of a successful Yankees bid to negotiate with the Japanese pitcher Kei Igawa of Japan’s Hanshin Tigers.

Doorman Ronaldo Theraux, a 46-year-old immigrant from Haiti, accepted Steinbrenner’s offer of $100,000 for the exclusive rights to talk, negotiate, converse, chit-chat, and flap gums with him.

“After we lost our bid for [Daisuke] Matsuzaka to the Red Sox, I knew I had to make some moves,” said Steinbrenner at a press conference. “Igawa was just the first step. With Ronnie also on hand, I feel much better about our chances.”


The Newest New York Yankee 

When asked for comment, Theraux looked over to Steinbrenner, who wagged his finger. The doorman then just shrugged his shoulders.

Steinbrenner is expected to offer Theraux a six-year deal upwards of $500,000 for exclusive speaking rights. Sources close to the deal say that the Red Sox had initially offered a three-year $100,000 to Theraux, who refused. The Chicago Cubs and the Dallas Mavericks were also reportedly interested.

“This is just the beginning,” said Steinbrenner. “I’ve also got my eye on a hot prospect at the deli around the corner, a waitress at a restaurant I frequent, and my children.”

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