December 8, 2006
Bowden Talking to Alabama About Raise
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (AP) – In the wake of Rich Rodriguez’s refusal of the University of Alabama head football coach position, and dramatic return to West Virginia, Bobby Bowden has been visiting with Alabama officials concerning a pay raise from Florida State. Although wary of the email and the eBay, Bowden thought the leak of his talks with Alabama would spur his current employer to renegotiate his current “life-time” contract. When asked about the details of his conversations with the legendary SEC school, Bowden seemed non-committal, and slightly confused, reminding Florida State fans of his recent half-time interviews:
“We met with Mal Moore and some folks at the Denny’s there in Tuscaloosa, but didn’t talk about the coaching job at Alabama,” Bowden recalled. Although Ann Bowden, his wife, thought differently. “Honey, we were still in Tallahassee, and it was at Village Inn.” “Well why’d it take so dadgum long to get there then?” Because we were stopped at a traffic light on Monroe remember?” “But I saw that damn elephant walking around in a ‘Bama sweater.” “Dangit, Bobby that was Mal’s wife Charlotte!”
Alabama officials were unavailable for comment on the story, however there are reports that they have also been talks with several other coaches looking for raises, including Mike Leach at Texas Tech, Dennis Erickson at Idaho, Rush Probst at Hoover High and, most recently, Randy Shannon at Miami.
November 21, 2006
Haunted by eBay, Bowden Resorts to Human Sacrifice
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (AP) – From mentally handicapped quarterbacks, to poorly recruited offensive lines, and on to underwhelming playmakers, a myriad of excuses have been employed to justify the funeral procession that the Florida State offense has become over the last 5 seasons. But head coach Bobby Bowden may have revealed the true gremlin in the gearbox at FSU yesterday while answering questions from reporters. When asked why his son Jeff’s tenure as offensive coordinator had come to such an ignominious end, Bowden replied:
“Because you all ignited it,” he said to a small room of reporters. “You listen to eBay and e-mail and all that junk, and you all kept writing about it and that fans it and makes it grow and grow, and it becomes a cancer. That’s why.”
(This quote is absolutely no fucking joke, emphasis added)
While many passed his words off as the deranged ramblings of a diaper-wearing despot, it turns out that the online retailer is, in fact, responsible for the decline of a once proud program. Although it was initially founded in 1994, eBay didn’t rise to national prominence until its purchase of Half.com, in June 2000, which it then rolled out as eBay Marketplace. This was a mere 5 months after Florida State won its second national championship, defeating Virginia Tech in the Sugar Bowl in January. The 2000 season would run fairly smoothly for the Noles, even depositing them into the Orange Bowl against Oklahoma, marking their 3rd straight appearance in the national title game. But the curse of eBay was already upon this team, and after offensive coordinator Mark Richt announced his departure to Georgia, the Florida State offense was shut out against the Sooners. Although it was hard to fathom at the time, this was the first of many harbingers of an offensive futility that would carry one of the most successful college football programs in recent memory into the depths of mediocrity and obscurity.
Previously a receivers coach, Jeff Bowden was elevated to offensive coordinator, a move that skirted all common sense as well as existing nepotism statutes at the state university. In his first season, Jeff’s offense was able to put up some big numbers, but also had blow-out losses to North Carolina and Miami and finished the season 8-4, its worst mark in 15 seasons. During the summer of 2002, eBay acquired PayPal, the online payment system that would position the auction retailer as the premiere internet marketplace. That next season, Florida State hit a new low in season losses, posting a 9-5 mark. In the following years, as eBay would solidify its position at the top of the internet retail mountain, FSU would solidify itself in the middle of the ACC Atlantic Division. In April of 2006, eBay opened its new eBay Express Site. In November of 2006, Florida State acquired its 5th conference loss of the season and offensive nadir in a 30-0 home loss to Wake Forest. Jeff Bowden announced his retirement firing buy-out just 3 days later.
Now that the elder Bowden has successfully pinpointed the reasons for his son’s failure as an offensive coordinator, he has determined that the only remedy is human sacrifice. In the upcoming rivalry game with the University of Florida this Saturday, Bowden will sacrifice quarterback Drew Weatherford to the Gator defense– a move the coach is hoping will succeed in “immanentizing the eschaton.”
“We talked about it a long time this morning and felt really like eBay performs better when he’s in there,” Bowden said. “Now hopefully that defense will kill him quickly, and get this whole mess behind us. That was probably one of our biggest factors in deciding that. And that’s the way we’ll go.”
(This quote, and those that follow are somewhat of a joke. A little.)
The move initially puzzled observers who noted Weatherford’s immobility would hinder him against the best front seven the Noles have faced all year. They also pointed to his dismal first quarter performance last week against Western Michigan, where he finished 2 of 6 for 8 yards. Weatherford’s performance wasn’t lost on Bowden, who commented after the 28-20 win, “it seemed like when he was in there nothing was happening. So he’s the one we’ll glorify to the demon eBay. And once the demon’s bloodlust is sated, see, then maybe we can get Jeffy back in here.”
Fans of the Noles are also hoping Weatherford has an early exit. The sophomore QB is throwing one touchdown per every 24 attempts, while his backup on Saturday, Xavier Lee, is throwing a TD every 16 attempts. Senior linebacker Buster Davis said the defense won’t be to broken up over the loss of Weatherford either: “We’ll fight our asses off,” Davis says. “Maybe he’ll be destroyed by them Gator boys. But I know the players want to see the next man, so we’ll be a’ight.”
After Saturday, the demon eBay (here shown in the earthly form of an enormongous, interception snatching defensive lineman) will haunt the Bowden’s no longer…
November 14, 2006
God Answers Prayers in Timely Fashion
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (AP) – In a move rare for such a deity, God answered hundreds of thousands of prayers very quickly Tuesday by announcing Jeff Bowden’s resignation as offensive coordinator for the Florida Sate football team. “I usually like to work a bit slower,” spoke the Lord, “You know – make people really want it. If you give them what they want right away, they get greedy. But since most kids is spoiled these days, I let ’em have it.” The Almighty also said he had not planned to answer these particular prayers until December 2008, but the shear quantity and volume forced his omnipotent hand. “People have been begging for this for a couple years now, but without what I would deem as the necessary passion. And I tell you what, FSU fans outdid themselves in the past 48 hours. Not only the number of prayers, but the volume on those babies was incredible. And such colorful language!”
According to some sources, there have been substantial prayers for the release of the younger Bowden before this week, some starting as early as 2001 according to his father, head coach Bobby Bowden. “I’ve been hearing those people complain about my boy for years. Scoring this, yardage that. I had about enough of it, dadgummit. And I thank the Lord I won’t have to hear it anymore.” 
Other reports that the elder Bowden had actually sold his soul to the Devil in order to have 15 straight years of unrivaled and unmitigated success at a former girls school, and that this downturn was merely Satan punishing Bowden for not dying sooner, were unconfirmed by God. “I can’t really speak to Lucifer’s plans. What I do know is that people can only endure so much pain. And a home shutout loss to Wake Forest is truly unbearable.”
The Almighty also wanted to warn those who pray for his injunction that, although he has intervened in a timely fashion on this particular matter, this was not indication of future action. “You people asking about Darfur, global warming and George Bush will just have to wait. I am working on Bin Laden, but that guy is fucking slippery, and to be honest, nobody’s been calling about him much lately. I’d also like to address those in Columbus, Ohio at this dangerous time– watch yer cornhole, bud.”
Jeff Bowden was unavailable for comment, having just picked up a new “The Heroes of the Killer Angels of Gettysburg Battlefield Strategy” coloring book, and needing to have it completed by this Saturday’s game against Western Michigan.
“HOLY SHIT!!” UPDATE: Just how badly did the Lord want Jeff to retire? $537,000 badly.
November 13, 2006
“Sideways: the 2006 NYG Season” aka “PhD in the Zen Art of Decision Making”
Tom and Eli, circa 2016
That game sucked. I mean it really really sucked. I guess I’m as shocked as you all that Tom Coughlin and Eli Manning took starring roles in this season’s NFL version of the movie “Sideways.”
The title is metaphorical and…well, accurrate. I kept trying to figure out what would be a good way to discuss these guys. The wheels seem like they’re falling off in the second half again (shades of the EXACT same thing that happened last year) and the injuries continue to mount up. So, we must look to the men at the top for direction, for assurance and for good decisions.
Because I like simple math, consider the following:
(the staggering injuries) + (some really crappy offensive execution) + (obscenely questionable [read: poor] coaching) = 1 Loss.
I’ll detail each step in my equation here:
Injuries: this is a fucking joke, man. Why the F*ing g-men have had so many ridiculous injuries the last two seasons is…well, beyond this simple man’s level of comprehension. In 2005 the G-Men lost every single LB and were forced to hire circus midgets to play important games. In 2006, already placed on IR are Toomer, LB Lavar Arrington (shocker, losing a LB for the season??) and (in all likelihood) LT Luke Petitgou. Big ‘Ol Luke is not to be confused with the best OT’s in the league – but he’s serviceable and he doesn’t get embarrassed too often (unlike the way Alex Brown skull-forked Whitfield last night). Then the ridiculous crap pops up: Sam Madison comes up lame on a deep pass up the sideline before the end of the 1st half and gives up a TD AND allows Rex Grossman to repeatedly clown Corey Webster for the rest of the game. Strahan/Uemenyiora/Tuck are all injured which doesn’t allow the D to get consistent pressure on Grossman. These inuries really hurt.
Tom, pictured above showing his trademark “frustrated face” reacting to news that “Mein Kampf” was no longer a best-seller
Coughlin: I hate this freakin’ guy. I don’t know if it just me, but the guy makes me want to vurp up chili-dogs covered in baby powder and fecal matter. Anyone unwilling to question Tom Coughlin’s thought process on a day-to-day basis ought to enter an Oklahoma drill against Brandon Jacobs. If you are unfamiliar with this drill, it is basically a drill in which one guy tries to tackle a RB. In this case, I’m going to force Coughlin apologists to tackle Brandon Jacobs. PEOPLE: don’t make a stupid mistake here! Linebackers in the NFL are afraid of the 6’5″ 265 lb Jacobs…watch a game! Those NFL LB’s don’t even want to tackle him. Remember, the lesson here readers – all 4.38 per day of you – is as always:
Guns don’t kill people; Brandon Jacobs kills people.
So unless you are Phil Pfister, you can’t a) stick up for Tom Coughlin or b) tackle Brandon Jacobs in short space.
At least Tom provided us with some great feedback on what happened with the brutal coverage on the play:
“The people are not the kind of people who do the coverage for you.”
Oh, you think so, Doctor?
Tom Coughlin’s questionable decision making in the span of one game include such gaffes as:
- going for a long pass play on a night when his qb couldn’t tie his fucking shoes on 3rd and 15 in the 4th Q.
- Subsequently attempting to kick a field goal on the next play – and this one is like a quadruple whammy, because it combines multiple mistakes on one play:
- the kick was into the wind
- the kick was into the wind on the same side that Feeley had missed badly on the previous half
- the kick was into the wind on the same side that Feeley had missed badly on the previous half – and Feeley has a ridiculously weak kicking leg
- the kick was into the wind on the same side that Feeley had missed badly on the play before – and Feeley has a ridiculously weak kicking leg – AND the NY Giants LOVE a good special teams gaffe!
- After the game Coughlin foolishly got involved in a land war in Asia
- Stubbornly refused to go no-huddle during the Offense’s third quarter Apocalypto-like meltdown
- Worst of all, Tom tried to cheat a Sicilian when death was on the line!
Eli: Now we turn to what is possibly most disturbing trend of the game.
I think we can perhaps propose a few new names for Eli:
- Eli “Mental Fucking Error” Manning
- Eli “Critical Fucking Interception” Manning
- Eli “Shitty Fucking Mechanics in the Second Half of a Season” Manning
Anyway, I’m (clearly) more than slightly dismayed by Eli’s performance in the Bears game. And, oh, just about the past five games. When will Eli step up and shred a decent defense? Is he only capable of good games in September and October? If last season and thus far this season are any indications then the answer is a big fucking yes. Eli is only decent in September and October and somehow completely loses control of his Shitty Fucking Mechanics in the Second Half of a Season.
Open Letter to Eli Manning:
It’s now up to you, Kid.
I hate to say it, but based on the injuries and the fact that you get ZERO help from the coaching staff, the is really, well, and not to pressure you too much here – but the season’s on you. Completely on you. You can right this ship or fucking TITANIC the thing. It’s really up to how much you can look in the mirror and right the wrongs.Look, I get it, Tom somehow refuses to face the reality that you can run the O better out of the huddle. Ok! I get it. I have an idea: let’s be a little less stubborn and face that. Get FUCKING BETTER AT RUNNING THE FUCKING OFFENSE WHEN YOU CAN’T OPERATE OUT OF THE NO FUCKING HUDDLE. There I said it. I feel better. Don’t you?
Now, recognize that Shockey is – like it or not – the soul of the offense and that you guys can’t really accomplish a whole lot without his gay histrionics. So, feed him the ball and get homeboy fired up. Your hog-wollies seem to block a little better, a second more and the right guy when Shockey is flipping the ball and screaming at people. So uhhhh GET SHOCKEY THE GODDAMN BALL.
That’s really it. I’m really tired. Godspeed, Eli.
Weekend at Bowden’s…
If we trust the reports that the FSU football program was declared D.O.A. for the 2006 season, then this past Saturday night must have been the “Weekend at Bernie’s” comical apex. The reeking remains (though thankfully rigor-free) were propped up at Doak Campbell stadium around 8:30 PM eastern time for folks of all ages to come and party around, having a grand ole time while the smirking corpse remained ineffectually flopped in a recliner in the corner. Gut-busting hilarity ensued, making the following crescendos:
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Coming out of halftime, ABC viewers in the Tallahassee area were treated to the third quarter of Texas / Kansas State, in which the historically dominant team about to be upset had at least put points on the board. After missing the entire third stanza, Nole faithful were returned to the abject horror of a 30-0 home deficit. Dropped moonshine and coronaries abound.
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Wake Forest defensive backs trot around secondary, only to find footballs lodged into their armpits and facemasks. Two Seminole quarterbacks combine for 4 of the most mind-boggling interceptions ever witnessed- not a single one was near an actual receiver, and each found their respective Demon Deacon DBs with laser-guided precision. In fact, as Drew Weatherford trotted back onto the field after his first pick (3rd of the game), this commentator said aloud, “Well, I guess he’s got one more soul-crushing interception in him before he gets yanked.” 2 plays later, INT.
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The final nut-slap came from Bobby Bowden hisdamnself when he decided that 15 minutes left in the ball game was plenty of time to mount a 31-point comeback running out of the “I” formation right into the asses of the half-blind Herefords flailing about near the line of scrimmage. I was wrong about the QB situation, though- throwing 2 atrocious interceptions does not preclude one from being fit to turn, step, and shove the ball into the gut of an All-American running back in the midst of wasting his inestimable talent. It was at this divine moment that yours truly signed over his sizable bar tab to a shady debt-collection agency, and shambled home to immerse himself in Jim Beam Rye Whiskey and Illuminati conspiracy literature.
I don’t need to take the “Florida State is a dead body” joke so far as to make the “Wake attended to the wake” joke (or do I?), suffice it to say this is the first or second-most embarrassing loss in the last 15 years of FSU football, depending on how you feel about the 41-9 loss at North Carolina in 2001. While giving all credit to Wake Forest’s cruelly methodical burial tactics, I am immensely intrigued to hear answers to the following questions during Bobby’s chat today:
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Graham Gano racked up 400 yards worth of punts, 250 more than the entire offense- was Wake Forest caught off-guard by his use as a weapon? -
Exactly how much time would you say you spent in learning how to defend the end around?
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Would Daryl Dickey, Billy Sexton and Mark McHale be better served working for Initech?
Luckily for fans, Florida State has one last shot to become bowl elligible, making the enormous tilt with Western Michigan all the more important. Bernie may be dead, but he’s still the life of the party!
“We Are Ass” UPDATE: He’s no Sports Inferno Matt Foley, but Jeff Cameron succinctly summarizes the current state of FSU football. Nothing is fucked here? The goddamn plane has crashed into the mountain!
“Christmas Come Early” UPDATE: Jeffy is out at FSU. Apparently, the airing of grievances was sufficient to cause his ouster.
November 9, 2006
Unprecedented!! Knicks 2-3!
David “The Animal” Lee
As a NY Knicks fan, I need this team to skirt a fine line. The Knicks need to win enough games to not get the #1 draft pick, and therefore the rights to Greg Oden – which they immediately must hand over to the Bulls as part of the Eddy Curry trade. Now THAT is shaping up to be a *really* good trade, Isiah!! Tyrus Thomas and possibly Greg Oden for Eddy Curry! Whoa!! No one can question your track record as an abysmally awful GM after trades like that pal! Don’t worry, you’ve protected your legacy as the worse GM of ANYTHING in the hostory of mankind with trades like this! Congratulations!
On the other hand, I need this team to get routinely ass-pounded; which has a relatively decent chance of happening considering how poorly they play defense. I pretty much think that I could probably beat the Knicks with both hands glued to my ass cheeks while I dribble with my forehead and catapult the ball into the hoop with my boner.
Everyone’s favorite all-stars, Eddy Curry and Stephon Marbury, shot an elite-level 3-8 combined. Jamal Crawford put up great numbers (35 pts, 6 rebounds, and 7 assists…and….uh 7 turnovers).
However, I’d like to take a moment to celebrate David “the Animal” Lee. This guy played for just 23 minutes yet managed to pull down 10 rebounds (5 offensive) and go 4-6 for 11 pts. This guy is a complete machine and must get more time on the floor. Isiah! News flash! You NEED guys like this to win in the NBA!
Whatever…hey Isiah! I hope someone pees in your coffee!
Actually, screw that. Just to show that I can see both sides of this, here’s what I will give him: Isiah can flat-out scout college players. Balkman looks like the real deal, David Lee and Channing Frye look like they will be solid NBA contributers, etc., etc. I hate to say it, but the list goes on and on. I think that ultimately Isiah will land on his feet somehwere as a college scout (if/when someone gives Jim Dolan a roman war helmet and he wakes up and finally cuts Isiah loose). Whatever, I hate this shit. The terrible twosome of Dolan and Isiah have ruined my fucking team. And that pisses me off. Do you guys think I can hire Oakley to start beating the crap out of people?
Your 2006 NY Knicks! Pure torture!
November 7, 2006
Oakland Says Farewell to Another Young Up-and-Comer…
Oakland, CA – The Oakland Athletics, repeating a scenario their fans have seen all-too-often, released yet another promising young talent due to financial constrictions. The Entire Fucking Franchise filed as a free agent soon after Oakland’s loss to Detroit in the ALCS, and has reportedly signed with neighboring Fremont. GM Billy Beane explained the move: “It’s tough to say goodbye to The Entire Fucking Franchise, especially after such good production the past few seasons, but unfortunately that’s what we have to do in order to compete as a small-market club.”
The Entire Fucking Franchise had developed as most of the A’s young talent, utilizing an exceptional farm system. It continued to over-achieve in The Show, and was an integral part to Oakland’s scorching second-halves and playoff appearances in five of the past seven seasons. “I really had a blast here in Oakland,” The Franchise said, “all the guys have been great to play with, and the fans are terrific. It’s a laid back, great group in the clubhouse, and I’ll miss everyone.”
Fans are also going to miss The Entire Fucking Franchise, though the departure was not entirely unexpected. “Giambi, Tejada, Hudson, Mulder, we’re used to seeing our big names get moved,” said Greg LaPaglia, and Oakland resident and season-ticket holder. “But this one hurts a bit more, you know?” Beane said he is aware of fans’ disappointment. “No one wants to lose The Entire Fucking Franchise, but I want to assure our fans that we’ll continue to develop more great young talent, get what we can out of them for 5-6 years, and wave as they depart for more money elsewhere.”
While the details of The Entire Fucking Franchise’s deal with Fremont have yet to be ironed out, LaPaglia and other Oakland fans have already turned their attention to another imminent departure, that of Barry Zito: “Fuck.”
October 26, 2006
Your Weekend Primer…
…or the Aftermath of the Battle of Canae, the most apt metaphor to last week’s bloodbath. I’ll let Livy break it down:
Never before, while the City itself was still safe, had there been such excitement and panic within its walls. I shall not attempt to describe it, nor will I weaken the reality by going into details… it was not wound upon wound but multiplied disaster that was now announced. For according to the reports two consular armies and two consuls were lost; there was no longer any Roman camp, any general, any single soldier in existence…Certainly there is no other nation that would not have succumbed beneath such a weight of calamity.
Applicable to both my picks and Seminole nation, which lay in absolute ruin while the Cerberus of Hubris/Tom O’Brien/Hannibal gnawed at the carcass through poisonous spittle. But just as the vessel in Chinese fountains is emptied only to be filled again, so exists my faith- emptied of all prior expectation, and soon to be teeming with promise. And mosquitoes. Big ones.
(picks are after the jump)
October 19, 2006
Your Weekend Primer…
…in which the long death march makes it’s way to the Tallahassee gates, to lay to loam the soul of the King so formerly great. Also known as Lord of the FSU: Week 2. The Black Mass convenes on a hallowed yet unholy ground ‘neath a Mourning Star with a judgment so piercingly bright that none of the wailing masses may evade it’s castigating rays. For many of the inked crowd, clutching at their memories as they would a golden heirloom, the days of a known and cherished order are darkening – the ebon horses of Chaos now visible, nearing from the olive horizon. “The world, that understandable and lawful world, was slipping away.”
(picks are after the jump)
October 10, 2006
Steinbrenner Wakes Up, Blames Temporary Loss Of Insanity On “Immense Hangover”
George Steinbrenner (pictured above at a party this past Sunday night), the principal owner of the New York Yankees, has claimed a temporary loss of insanity over recent transgressions such as: Read the rest of this entry »
The Itch - Dry, Flaky Sports Commentary 