January 8, 2007
JIMBO!!!!
Yes, the absence was prolonged, especially considering the post we left at the top of the page for the last 2 weeks, but it’s all Jimbo!!* Mania now, baby. That’s right, the man who may or may not be a shrimping boat captain has now, finally, officially been named the new OC at FSU. And my agonizing wait to post the picture is finally over:
Yup, after oh so many ins and outs (reminiscient of middle school romance, we were talking, we weren’t, we passed some notes, he flirted, we got mad, then we made up)you’re looking at, quite possibly, the next head caoch Florida State University. Personally? I’m absolutely giddy. The man’s name is Jimbo!! He’s responsible for two absolutely demoralizing bowl game ass-whompings of Miami and Notre Dame the past two seasons, and a 2003 National Championship to boot! His name is not Jeff Bowden! If the man’s new offense can average 375 yards and 30 points a game in 2007 he’ll probably be more popular than Saint Bobby hisdadgumself.
All in all, it’s been quite a haul for the Noles in the last couple weeks, to wit:
- December 27: Lorenzo Booker is kidnapped and locked in the trunk of a 1996 Volvo wagon parked near AT&T Park in San Francisco. He is replaced by LaDanian Tomlinson for FSU’s appearance in the historic and illustrious Emerald Bowl. FSU wins.
- January 3: Seminole fans bid a tearful goodbye to favorite QB coach Daryl Dickey who groomed some of the most reliably unreliable QBs in program history over the past 6 seasons. Dickey joins departing RB Caoch Billy Sexton and OL coach Mark McHale, leaving behind an offense that truly will never be forgotten. FSU wins.
- January 4: FSU signs new OL coach Rick Trickett, who, while not a shrimping boat captain, is a former Marine and Vietnam war (combat!!) vetern, who said of his new charges, “If they’re scared of hard work they will have a problem. If they’re not they’ll probably be all-conference. If they’re lazy they’ll probably have a problem. If they’re not, they’ll probably be All-America. We’re going to get hard nosed and people will regret seeing us roll into town.” FSU wins.
- January 5: FSU signs new WR coach Lawrence Dawsey a former player who was as hard-working as he was gifted and has turned into a beloved “player’s coach.” Plus, he posed for this picture (Dawsey in white):
And now we get Jimbo!! Fisher, who may or may not be a shrimping boat captain. I’m telling you now, that considering the regime he is following, Jimbo!! has absolutely no ceiling with FSU fans. Don’t be surprsied if he has his own statue in 10 years, and check the baby-naming trends in the 32303 zip code. This is like following Pinochet in Chile- as long as you don’t start disappearing the populace, you’re a hero.
I’m excited, you’re excited, we’re all excited. Let’s get to Feb. 6, when our irrational optimism can hit Stage II: Lunatic Slobbering Over 18-Year-Olds. Only these will be dudes, dude. Maybe we should re-check our priorities.
Jimbo!!
*Please note that according to Florida Statute 445.056, enacted January 1, 2006, all written references to Jimbo!! Fisher’s name must contain at least 2 exclamation points, but no more than four exclamation points, placed directly after his first name.
December 8, 2006
Bowden Talking to Alabama About Raise
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (AP) – In the wake of Rich Rodriguez’s refusal of the University of Alabama head football coach position, and dramatic return to West Virginia, Bobby Bowden has been visiting with Alabama officials concerning a pay raise from Florida State. Although wary of the email and the eBay, Bowden thought the leak of his talks with Alabama would spur his current employer to renegotiate his current “life-time” contract. When asked about the details of his conversations with the legendary SEC school, Bowden seemed non-committal, and slightly confused, reminding Florida State fans of his recent half-time interviews:
“We met with Mal Moore and some folks at the Denny’s there in Tuscaloosa, but didn’t talk about the coaching job at Alabama,” Bowden recalled. Although Ann Bowden, his wife, thought differently. “Honey, we were still in Tallahassee, and it was at Village Inn.” “Well why’d it take so dadgum long to get there then?” Because we were stopped at a traffic light on Monroe remember?” “But I saw that damn elephant walking around in a ‘Bama sweater.” “Dangit, Bobby that was Mal’s wife Charlotte!”
Alabama officials were unavailable for comment on the story, however there are reports that they have also been talks with several other coaches looking for raises, including Mike Leach at Texas Tech, Dennis Erickson at Idaho, Rush Probst at Hoover High and, most recently, Randy Shannon at Miami.
November 28, 2006
The Candidacy
Yes, there is muted excitement in Seminole land these days. A defense returning all but 2 starters played their guts out on Saturday, single-handedly dragging the rotten corpse offense back into the game against a hated rival, only to watch that corpse defecate post-mortem all over itself. And now that same corpse is being dragged up the castle steps into the dungeonous laboratory to be reanimated. But who will play Dr. Frankenstein in 2007? We’ll take a look at the pros and cons of the four most talked about names thus far, as well as their respective Lap Dog Quotients. What, you didn’t actually think Bobby will hand over the reins at this point, did you?
Name: Jimbo Fisher
Current Position: OC and QB coach at LSU
Pros: His name is Jimbo. I repeat, Jimbo. Which means he may or may not actually be a shrimping boat captain. And speaking of shrimping, he seems to love the Bowdens like Forrest loved Jenny. He played QB for Terry, even transferring from Salem to Samford his senior season to follow the known philanderer. He then coached under Terry at Samford and along with Tommy at Auburn. And now he’s presided over the most successful span in LSU history, making him my personal favorite for the gig. Like I said, Jimbo!
Cons: He may or may not be a shrimping boat captain.
Lap Dog Quotient: 5 Bones. It may be that the only thing keeping Jimbo from already working underneath a Bowden is Terry’s absence from the sideline. To drag the Gump metaphor into the disgusting, the Bowden clan is on their last, AIDS-riddled legs – do you trust Forrest to raise the kid on his own? 
Name: George Henshaw
Current Position: Senior Offensive Assistant and RB coach at New Orleans
Pros: NFL ties galore. George has spent the last 18 years on the offensive side of the ball in the NFL, from Broncos to the Giants to the Titans to the Saints. Which means not only could he probably assemble quite a staff to join him, but high school kids love love love to hear how coaches are linked to the pros. Crazy kids.
Cons: He looks like a nice, kind-hearted soul. I prefer OCs to look like arrogant neurosurgeons who would enjoy toying with your very life in order to give themselves a challenge. “Doctor, what are you doing with that nail gun? Jesus Christ!!” “Uh-oh, nurse, this just got a whole lot more complicated. Wheee!!!”
Lap Dog Quotient: 4 Bones. Henshaw’s straight off Bobby’s coaching tree, from West Virginia to FSU from 1970 to 1982. The Noles compiled a 21-1 record during his 3 years as OC, which has most fans drooling. Yet he sent his own QB-turned-TE son to FSU during 2001-05, which at the time was known as “Where QBs and TEs Go To Tackle,” so his judgment at this point may be questionable. 
Name: Chris Hatcher
Current Position: Head Coach at Division II Valdosta State
Pros: An “Air Raid” attack that racks up yards, points and wins on the Div. II level like nobody’s business. (The early con here is that its yards, points and wins on the Div. II level) He’s coached up quite a few QBs at the collegiate level: Daunte Culpepper, Tim Couch and Dusty Bonner, which pretty much makes him Jeff Tedford without the nice address and a win against USC. He’s also been kind enough to take QB’s off Bowden’s hands and turn them into competent throwers and DII champions (see: Fabian Walker).
Cons: His resume on the Blazers sports page reads like praise from the Football Gods themselves, and includes the single-best paragraph-starting phrase ever: “Great stuff.” That resume, as well as a “no comment” statement on the FSU opening is a straight link from the front of the football home page, which means he keeps his job-hunting low-key.
Lap Dog Quotient: 8 Bones. He’s young and impressionable. When he and Bobby get done telling tales about what its like coaching at a former all girls college, Hatcher will immediately commence his only ascribed duties: drawing up plays for Drew Weatherford out of the “I” formation. 
Name: Larry Fedora
Current Position: OC and QB coach at Oklahoma State
Pros: His offense can score points (8th in Scoring O) and run the ball (8th in Rushing O). For a team sorely lacking in both departments, that’s good.
Cons: Was the Gator run game/perimeter game/offensive coordinator from 2002-04, giving him a losing record against Jeff Bowden-coached offenses. Not good.
Lap Dog Quotient: 3 Bones. This is a random guess. I can’t figure any direct connection to the Bowden clan, and all reports are that he’s a top recruiter and fast tracked to greatness. But he’s named after a hat, so…
November 21, 2006
Haunted by eBay, Bowden Resorts to Human Sacrifice
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (AP) – From mentally handicapped quarterbacks, to poorly recruited offensive lines, and on to underwhelming playmakers, a myriad of excuses have been employed to justify the funeral procession that the Florida State offense has become over the last 5 seasons. But head coach Bobby Bowden may have revealed the true gremlin in the gearbox at FSU yesterday while answering questions from reporters. When asked why his son Jeff’s tenure as offensive coordinator had come to such an ignominious end, Bowden replied:
“Because you all ignited it,” he said to a small room of reporters. “You listen to eBay and e-mail and all that junk, and you all kept writing about it and that fans it and makes it grow and grow, and it becomes a cancer. That’s why.”
(This quote is absolutely no fucking joke, emphasis added)
While many passed his words off as the deranged ramblings of a diaper-wearing despot, it turns out that the online retailer is, in fact, responsible for the decline of a once proud program. Although it was initially founded in 1994, eBay didn’t rise to national prominence until its purchase of Half.com, in June 2000, which it then rolled out as eBay Marketplace. This was a mere 5 months after Florida State won its second national championship, defeating Virginia Tech in the Sugar Bowl in January. The 2000 season would run fairly smoothly for the Noles, even depositing them into the Orange Bowl against Oklahoma, marking their 3rd straight appearance in the national title game. But the curse of eBay was already upon this team, and after offensive coordinator Mark Richt announced his departure to Georgia, the Florida State offense was shut out against the Sooners. Although it was hard to fathom at the time, this was the first of many harbingers of an offensive futility that would carry one of the most successful college football programs in recent memory into the depths of mediocrity and obscurity.
Previously a receivers coach, Jeff Bowden was elevated to offensive coordinator, a move that skirted all common sense as well as existing nepotism statutes at the state university. In his first season, Jeff’s offense was able to put up some big numbers, but also had blow-out losses to North Carolina and Miami and finished the season 8-4, its worst mark in 15 seasons. During the summer of 2002, eBay acquired PayPal, the online payment system that would position the auction retailer as the premiere internet marketplace. That next season, Florida State hit a new low in season losses, posting a 9-5 mark. In the following years, as eBay would solidify its position at the top of the internet retail mountain, FSU would solidify itself in the middle of the ACC Atlantic Division. In April of 2006, eBay opened its new eBay Express Site. In November of 2006, Florida State acquired its 5th conference loss of the season and offensive nadir in a 30-0 home loss to Wake Forest. Jeff Bowden announced his retirement firing buy-out just 3 days later.
Now that the elder Bowden has successfully pinpointed the reasons for his son’s failure as an offensive coordinator, he has determined that the only remedy is human sacrifice. In the upcoming rivalry game with the University of Florida this Saturday, Bowden will sacrifice quarterback Drew Weatherford to the Gator defense– a move the coach is hoping will succeed in “immanentizing the eschaton.”
“We talked about it a long time this morning and felt really like eBay performs better when he’s in there,” Bowden said. “Now hopefully that defense will kill him quickly, and get this whole mess behind us. That was probably one of our biggest factors in deciding that. And that’s the way we’ll go.”
(This quote, and those that follow are somewhat of a joke. A little.)
The move initially puzzled observers who noted Weatherford’s immobility would hinder him against the best front seven the Noles have faced all year. They also pointed to his dismal first quarter performance last week against Western Michigan, where he finished 2 of 6 for 8 yards. Weatherford’s performance wasn’t lost on Bowden, who commented after the 28-20 win, “it seemed like when he was in there nothing was happening. So he’s the one we’ll glorify to the demon eBay. And once the demon’s bloodlust is sated, see, then maybe we can get Jeffy back in here.”
Fans of the Noles are also hoping Weatherford has an early exit. The sophomore QB is throwing one touchdown per every 24 attempts, while his backup on Saturday, Xavier Lee, is throwing a TD every 16 attempts. Senior linebacker Buster Davis said the defense won’t be to broken up over the loss of Weatherford either: “We’ll fight our asses off,” Davis says. “Maybe he’ll be destroyed by them Gator boys. But I know the players want to see the next man, so we’ll be a’ight.”
After Saturday, the demon eBay (here shown in the earthly form of an enormongous, interception snatching defensive lineman) will haunt the Bowden’s no longer…
November 14, 2006
God Answers Prayers in Timely Fashion
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (AP) – In a move rare for such a deity, God answered hundreds of thousands of prayers very quickly Tuesday by announcing Jeff Bowden’s resignation as offensive coordinator for the Florida Sate football team. “I usually like to work a bit slower,” spoke the Lord, “You know – make people really want it. If you give them what they want right away, they get greedy. But since most kids is spoiled these days, I let ’em have it.” The Almighty also said he had not planned to answer these particular prayers until December 2008, but the shear quantity and volume forced his omnipotent hand. “People have been begging for this for a couple years now, but without what I would deem as the necessary passion. And I tell you what, FSU fans outdid themselves in the past 48 hours. Not only the number of prayers, but the volume on those babies was incredible. And such colorful language!”
According to some sources, there have been substantial prayers for the release of the younger Bowden before this week, some starting as early as 2001 according to his father, head coach Bobby Bowden. “I’ve been hearing those people complain about my boy for years. Scoring this, yardage that. I had about enough of it, dadgummit. And I thank the Lord I won’t have to hear it anymore.” 
Other reports that the elder Bowden had actually sold his soul to the Devil in order to have 15 straight years of unrivaled and unmitigated success at a former girls school, and that this downturn was merely Satan punishing Bowden for not dying sooner, were unconfirmed by God. “I can’t really speak to Lucifer’s plans. What I do know is that people can only endure so much pain. And a home shutout loss to Wake Forest is truly unbearable.”
The Almighty also wanted to warn those who pray for his injunction that, although he has intervened in a timely fashion on this particular matter, this was not indication of future action. “You people asking about Darfur, global warming and George Bush will just have to wait. I am working on Bin Laden, but that guy is fucking slippery, and to be honest, nobody’s been calling about him much lately. I’d also like to address those in Columbus, Ohio at this dangerous time– watch yer cornhole, bud.”
Jeff Bowden was unavailable for comment, having just picked up a new “The Heroes of the Killer Angels of Gettysburg Battlefield Strategy” coloring book, and needing to have it completed by this Saturday’s game against Western Michigan.
“HOLY SHIT!!” UPDATE: Just how badly did the Lord want Jeff to retire? $537,000 badly.
November 13, 2006
Weekend at Bowden’s…
If we trust the reports that the FSU football program was declared D.O.A. for the 2006 season, then this past Saturday night must have been the “Weekend at Bernie’s” comical apex. The reeking remains (though thankfully rigor-free) were propped up at Doak Campbell stadium around 8:30 PM eastern time for folks of all ages to come and party around, having a grand ole time while the smirking corpse remained ineffectually flopped in a recliner in the corner. Gut-busting hilarity ensued, making the following crescendos:
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Coming out of halftime, ABC viewers in the Tallahassee area were treated to the third quarter of Texas / Kansas State, in which the historically dominant team about to be upset had at least put points on the board. After missing the entire third stanza, Nole faithful were returned to the abject horror of a 30-0 home deficit. Dropped moonshine and coronaries abound.
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Wake Forest defensive backs trot around secondary, only to find footballs lodged into their armpits and facemasks. Two Seminole quarterbacks combine for 4 of the most mind-boggling interceptions ever witnessed- not a single one was near an actual receiver, and each found their respective Demon Deacon DBs with laser-guided precision. In fact, as Drew Weatherford trotted back onto the field after his first pick (3rd of the game), this commentator said aloud, “Well, I guess he’s got one more soul-crushing interception in him before he gets yanked.” 2 plays later, INT.
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The final nut-slap came from Bobby Bowden hisdamnself when he decided that 15 minutes left in the ball game was plenty of time to mount a 31-point comeback running out of the “I” formation right into the asses of the half-blind Herefords flailing about near the line of scrimmage. I was wrong about the QB situation, though- throwing 2 atrocious interceptions does not preclude one from being fit to turn, step, and shove the ball into the gut of an All-American running back in the midst of wasting his inestimable talent. It was at this divine moment that yours truly signed over his sizable bar tab to a shady debt-collection agency, and shambled home to immerse himself in Jim Beam Rye Whiskey and Illuminati conspiracy literature.
I don’t need to take the “Florida State is a dead body” joke so far as to make the “Wake attended to the wake” joke (or do I?), suffice it to say this is the first or second-most embarrassing loss in the last 15 years of FSU football, depending on how you feel about the 41-9 loss at North Carolina in 2001. While giving all credit to Wake Forest’s cruelly methodical burial tactics, I am immensely intrigued to hear answers to the following questions during Bobby’s chat today:
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Graham Gano racked up 400 yards worth of punts, 250 more than the entire offense- was Wake Forest caught off-guard by his use as a weapon? -
Exactly how much time would you say you spent in learning how to defend the end around?
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Would Daryl Dickey, Billy Sexton and Mark McHale be better served working for Initech?
Luckily for fans, Florida State has one last shot to become bowl elligible, making the enormous tilt with Western Michigan all the more important. Bernie may be dead, but he’s still the life of the party!
“We Are Ass” UPDATE: He’s no Sports Inferno Matt Foley, but Jeff Cameron succinctly summarizes the current state of FSU football. Nothing is fucked here? The goddamn plane has crashed into the mountain!
“Christmas Come Early” UPDATE: Jeffy is out at FSU. Apparently, the airing of grievances was sufficient to cause his ouster.
November 10, 2006
FSU / Wake Forest: A Classic!
Apparently, the whole world has gone crazy, and nobody gives a shit about the rules anymore. One of the 10 biggest games of the college football season was just played in Piscataway, New Jersey on a Thursday night. A game that left Rutgers undefeated and ruined Louisville Mythical National Championship hopes. Yup. Who’s unranked? Florida State, Penn State, Nebraska, and Miami. Who’s ranked? Rutgers, Wake Forest, Boise State and BYU. Never mind that there isn’t a single sure bet in the NFL anymore (aside from Pac-Man Jones going all lawn sprinkler on bitches in da club), the college football universe is fucking loony tunes in 2006. And perhaps no game epitomizes this wackiness like #18 Wake Forest, tied for first in the ACC Atlantic, visiting unranked FSU, second-to-last in the same division, behind the likes of ranked Maryland and ranked Boston College. And yet, the Noles are 8½-point favorites at home. In our new-found quest for logic and comfort in cold, cold science, we’re going to break down this match-up by the numbers.
There’s nary a stat on the board that FSU doesn’t hold the advantage in, outside of overall record. And although the Demon Deacons have beaten 2 teams (NC State and Boston College) which beat FSU, the Noles have both home-field and athletic advantage. But this is all window dressing- let’s take a look at how the respective units have fared thus far this season (all stats courtesy of the college football mathlete’s wet dream, College Football Stats.com, and rankings are out of a total of 119 teams):
THE RUN GAME: Florida State’s has been about as threatening as Piglet. A total lack of consistency due to the ludicrous tailback shuffle has led to games where the QB leads the team in rushing attempts. Lorenzo Booker should’ve taken over Willie Reid’s spot at split end (he’s breaking off 20-30 yards runs once you get him outside the tackles), but he continues to get significant carries up the gut for 2 yards a pop. Even last week, against a mediocre Virginia rush D, FSU got a mere 70 yards from ball carriers not named Xavier Lee. 
Meanwhile, Wake Forest is sporting the 21st ranked run defense in the country, which sounds pretty stout, until you check that they’ve only faced one top-10 rushing attack (Clemson rolled up 214 yards on the ground), and five of their eight Div. 1 opponents have a running attacks ranked 80th or worse. The hope has been that Xavier Lee’s legs and rocket arm would open up the run game for FSU, but it hasn’t happened in the past two games. Advantage: Wake Forest.
On the other side, FSU’s run D has been ungulates of a different variety, ranked 8th nationally, and chewing up backs left and right. (James Daivs who? NC State what?) The Demon Deacon rushing attack is supposed to be their bread and butter, but the last time they faced a run D even close to FSU’s was at home against Clemson, where they racked up 31 yards on 31 carries. Other run D’s WFU has faced? Mississippi (97th), Connecticut (105th), North Carolina (114th) and Syracuse (115th). Big Big Advantage: Florida State.
THE PASS GAME: This may be the one area of the field where the Seminoles have the advantage on both sides of the ball. Xavier Lee has had +120 passer ratings his last two (and only) starts, going for 471 yards, 3 TDs and no INTs. That last one is the most important number- WFU has a ball-hawking secondary, snatching 12 INTs on the season, but overall, both Maryland (60th) and Virginia (34th) have better ranked pass defenses than Wake (88th). The biggest question is how early Lee will be able to get in a rhythm. It happened early against Maryland, with FSU throwing on first down and stretching the middle of the field, but against Virginia, he didn’t get hot until the second half. Although this relies on an offensive coaching staff using their big boy brains, I think FSU comes out firing again, and Lee will be consistent. Advantage: Florida State.
I have dogged the Nole secondary all year- injuries have killed them as much as the linebackers, but they’ve still been spotty in coverage, and when they are in good position, they make bad plays on the ball. Luckily, the Wake passing O has been underwhelming to say the least. They’re only topped 150 yards passing in 2 games against D-1 opponents, and have managed only 3 TDs against 3 teams with better pass defenses than FSU’s. Slight advantage: Florida State.
IN GENERAL: Wake Forest employs a classic “bend but don’t break” defensive scheme that has served them incredibly well. They’re ranked 32nd in scoring defense and 10th in overall D. But outside of the running game, they’ve only faced one team (Clemson) with a better scoring offense (8th vs. 30th) or overall offense (13th vs. 45th), and they lost that game. They also haven’t faced a dual-threat QB all season, which could give them fits. They give up yards, but they don’t give up points, and FSU has had trouble executing in the red zone. It will take 7s rather than 3s to beat the Demon Deacons, and those are no guarantee with the Noles. Advantage: Even.
On the flip side, I’m not sure how Wake Forest is going to put up points with its offense. Previous teams have beaten FSU through the air, but Wake’s passing offense ranks 108th in the nation. Plus this is the best run defense they’ve seen all season. Advantage: Florida State.
THE LITTLE THINGS: Which end up meaning so much. The Demon Deacons are 22nd in the nation in turnover margin, going +6 on the season. FSU is 90th at –4. Eight of those turnovers were picks, and Lee hasn’t thrown one in the last 8 quarters, but the fact remains that this WFU team goes after the ball, and, more often than not, gets it. Wake has also been better in the penalty department, giving up only 44.6 yards a game on 5.4 penalties. FSU has been committing 7.6 penalties a game, giving away 59.7 yards. Advantage: Wake Forest.
Your Saturday Night Coaching Match-Up.
TO SUM: That puts FSU up 4-2 in advantages, but Wake Forest holds all the cards in the “intangibles” department. It will take what the Noles have been incapable of in their 4 losses to win this game: To come out, hit a quality opponent in the mouth early, and never look back. This is not a Wake team built to come from behind. But then again, that’s not a place FSU has put many of their opponents in. A coaching staff comprised of rational adults would sic the dogs on Wake Forest early, and try and get a night home crowd loud and rowdy from the get-go. But folks in Tallahassee haven’t been exposed to fear-inducing competence in 5-plus years, and there’s really no indication that they’ll be reintroduced on Saturday night. So here’s to hoping that Xavier Lee can make 5-6 plays on his own, that Buster Davis and Myron Rolle continue to have big games, and that the Noles catch one big break – because that’s what it will take to win this one. Florida State 30 – Wake Forest 17.
November 2, 2006
Your Weekend Primer…
…where we return with a full glass of the Xavier Lee Kool-Aid. After alternately hearing that his sweat and his tears can cure cancer, I’m coming around and joining the chorus: Xavier Lee is the savior of FSU football. I know that I NARC’d this party just 2 days ago, but I’m now convinced he can solve the myriad other problems that FSU has.
To list:
- Offensive Line: Lee’s scrambling ability can mask any protection deficiency, and slow down the pass rush.
- Running Game: Because his “live arm” can stretch the field, teams won’t be able to load up on the run, opening up more holes for Antone Smith. Booker, on the other hand, will have his usual 6 carries for 18 yards and 2 receptions for 35.
- Play Calling: It’s all about improvisation, baby. If anyone can overcome Jeffy Bowden’s 3-color crayon offensive scheme, it’s XL.
- Defense: No, Lee can’t play linebacker. Nor can he teach the cornerbacks how to turn and find the ball. But what he can do is keep the offense on the field longer, and put points on the board, taking some time and pressure off the defense.
In sum, Xavier “The Savior” can resurrect this football team, and Bobby Bowden’s reputation. (After all, Saint Bobby was introduced to the Seminole Boosters this week as “the man who coaches Xavier Lee”) Sure he was facing Maryland, a team that ranks 83rd in total defense, but what you didn’t know is that XL was aiding in the Typhoon Cimaron relief efforts, negotiating a Ugandan cease-fire agreement, and conducting the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra in a 5-year memorial concert honoring Carlos Gaustavino at the same time.
On to this weekend’s picks:
(3) West Virginia at (5) Louisville – The Big East Match-Up To End All Big East Match-Ups. That is, until each team starts their Pitt and Rutgers round robins. All the championship implications have been beaten into your brain by now, and considering the result last year, the game tonight has to be an instant classic that will rival even the Texas/USC Rose Bowl in the annals of Over-Hyped Games That Outperformed The Hype. 
The big problem is that no team that the Mountaineers have faced could find a solution for Pat White running with the ball (commonly referred to as “fiendishly fuckin’ fast”), while two sub-par teams in Cincinnati and Syracuse have stymied Louisville’s Death Star Attack. It’s possible the Cardinals pulled a Milton Berle (scroll down for it) for 2 games and “only pulled out enough to win.” And that WVU defense has looked suspect for stretches. But I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a team as fast as West Virginia, and I’ll ride them until proven otherwise. Not in The Pick ‘Em Pool, but too big to ignore: WVU 37 – L’ville 30.
(8) Tennessee vs. (13) LSU – In their biggest games this season, the Vols have put up 35 (Cal, W), 20 (Florida, L), 51 (UGA, W), 16 (Bama, W) and 31 (South Carolina, W). By comparison, LSU has put up 3 (Auburn, L) and 10 (Florida, L). Tennessee has trounced 2 teams that were ranked in the top 10 at the time, while LSU has yet to beat a team with a winning record. If the Tigers are the Killer Bee scare, consider the Vols the cold hands of time and reason, choking the life out of that particular urban myth. The Pool installs LSU as the 3 point favorite. On the road. At Rocky Top. Praise be unto you, gambling gods. Tennessee rolls 28-13.
(16) Boston College at (22) Wake Forest – The Beat The Team That Beat You Corollary is a wash between NC State and Clemson here, so we’ll go with a little resume comparison again: Combined record of Boston College victims: 34-23, with the only non-winning records belonging to Buffalo and….FSU baby! Combined record of teams Wake Forest has beaten: 15-23, and not a winner among them. No wonder the BCS computers are suspicious. The present line has BC giving 4 on the road. I’m ignoring good advice about home teams at night in the college game, and going with the Eagles, 27-20.
(4) Texas vs. Oklahoma State – The Longhorns allowed themselves to get into a shoot-out with Texas Tech last week, a team that now sits as Colorado’s only win of the season. Yikes. Meanwhile Oklahoma State has put up 30+ in all but 2 games this season, including 41 on Nebraska last Saturday. The Cowboys have led the last 2 meetings at halftime, only to crumble miserably at Texas’ feet, begging for mercy in the 4th quarter. Gotta say, I’m a big big fan of this trend. OSU suffers a severe case of conquestus interruptus once again, but beats the 17-point line, losing 38-27.
(23) Virginia Tech at Miami – Lo, how the evil in man is revealed through his enjoyment at the suffering of others. Also known as shamaatah, leedvermaak, and aighear-truaighe, you know the feeling as schadenfreude, and you know we have it in spades. Nothing makes us dance through empty bottles of Miller Lite and rye whiskey like losses by the dirty, dirty Hurricanes, and we’ll be Fred Astaire meets Fred Norris on Saturday night. (And possibly wind up needing help from F.R.E.D. before it’s all said and done) The Hokies are riding the big win over Clemson, Miami is riding the walking zombie corpse of its head coach. Hmmmm… Tech is favored by 2.5, and just makes the line, winning 27-23.
Honesty from last week’s primer: My subscription to Clemson Tiger Beat got revoked, and I was crushed in an episode of “Watch Halleck Pick an Upset and Then Crash And Burn” by Oklahoma and Tennessee. But I had the Cocktail Party and Georgia Tech dead-to-rights, which leaves me at the razor thin 11-10 on the season. Good times.
October 31, 2006
The Savior QB, Revisited…
… After back-to-back losses, Florida State coaches decide to change quarterbacks. The ineffective white sophomore starting QB had lost 3 of the last 5, during which the offense sputtered at best. In comes the potentially explosive black sophomore QB, former Mr. Football of Florida, and immediately gives the offense some spark, and has everyone giddy about the future. Sure, the Noles may be taking their lumps now, but with this kid at the helm, the return to glory is just around the corner.
The corner described above was early November, 2002. Just four games later, Adrian McPherson was kicked off the team, and later arrested for check theft and forgery connected with alleged gambling debts. All that mythical potential (of which there was undoubtedly a significant amount) was washed clear into the Arena Leagues, and NFL depth-chart obscurity.
To be very, very clear here, Xavier Lee has no gambling debts I’m aware of, has not been seen in R & R Trucks, and is every bit as good as McPherson was, if not better. And I only pointed out the race of the quarterbacks above to illustrate just how similar the current situation is to the one in 2002. 
Freshman white QBs come in, with apparently all the tools to drive the offense. They set all kinds of freshman conference throwing records, and lead the team fairly well in just their first season. But the next year comes along, they haven’t progressed, and the offense still doesn’t seem to be clicking. On the bench is a popular black QB with a “live arm,” who perhaps can scramble a bit better and provide the offense with an x factor that it may have been lacking. 
(The only difference this time around is the “injury” to Drew Weatherford, an amorphous ankle ailment that apparently sprung up last Wednesday, though there was no report of it until during the Maryland game. Perhaps Bobby learned a lesson form his last QB benching) And I bring up the comparison not to disparage Lee, but to try to temper some of the out-of-whack enthusiasm emanating from parts South.
I’ll admit, Lee had me jumping out of my seat Saturday night with some of the throws he made. He was buying time, he was dead-on accurate, he was stretching the field, and he was running for positive yards. I can’t wait to see him starting this week. And neither can his teammates, apparently – Buster Davis said “He was just hitting guys on the run and created options we haven’t had here in a while.” So to be honest, I think he’s a fantastic QB and I’ll be rooting for him.
But let’s not forget that over the last 6 weeks, when fans, commentators, reporters and coaches have been discussing the problems surrounding the FSU program, very few have laid the blame at Drew Weatherford’s feet. He made a few bad throws, and we’re told he was on the verge of being benched more than once, but few outside the hysterics were advocating that a move to Lee would solve this team’s problems. The RB position is still a mess with the coaches insisting on running Lorenzo Booker between the tackles and often; the O-line is still as cohesive and coherent as a Jackson Pollack piece; the linebackers are pulling random folk off the street to start; and the secondary still can’t lock down any receiver without “Rice” on the front of his jersey. Color me a bit wary that XL can solve all of those problems. (Although he will be able to cover for the offensive line a bit better)
So while the Nole faithful get all energized to see a young QB with all the weapons tear the doors off a Virgina secondary even worse than FSU’s, let’s all remember that we’ve seen this movie before. I’m sincerely hoping for a new ending where Captain Willard finds Kurtz sipping Mai Tais, and lifting the locals out of poverty, while setting up learning academies for the youngsters. But FSU’s latest savior QB is working under the same staff and with similar options that the last savior (and non-savior) QB had, so let’s hold off on the resurrection mythology until the team strings a few W’s together, shall we?
Not handing out lollipops just yet.
October 27, 2006
Finally…
For all the “sturm und drang” from the boosters and fans, tales of death and demise from reporters and commentators, and “aw shucks” empty platitudes from the coaching staff, there has been almost a complete absence of clear and analytical truth spoken to, and of, the FSU football program. We’ll finally get some from Emily Badger and the Orlando Sentinel. More after the jump…
The Itch - Dry, Flaky Sports Commentary 